i've been writing alot more, see! two entries in one day. i have the shakes right now... me and my brother got into a fight. not like fight fight it was a wrestle fight and it was just for fun. i had my hockey helmet and gloves on and he had his on too. he kept hitting me straight in the face and my parents were yelling too, i know it was just for fun but some of their 'witty banter' just made me cry. he didn't hurt me or anything i just cried. and then he's like 'are you alright?' i just looked at him and tried to hold back my sobs. it hurt and then my dad goes 'it's alright, you'll be able to take him in a few years' and that just broke me, i just cried. i don't know it was weird and just thinking about it now is tearing me up. i guess this shows how fragile my self-esteem or lack there-of is. i get hurt by the simple-ist things and knowing me in person you'd think that i would just shrug it off. sometimes things just get to me. sometimes my friends make comments on stupid stuff about me and i'll just bottle it up, i know they don't mean anything by it and i don't want them to take offence by reading this and going 'what a bitch'. i don't mean it like that. i guess, just lately i've been in a slump. i just want to be pretty, to be envied and have a nice boyfriend (or girlfriend) who likes me for me and thinks that in my own way i'm pretty because i don't feel it. i feel so ugly on the inside and the outside and i know it s like 'it's whats inside that counts' and although i believe that, it's not wholey and i need to feel pretty on the outside to feel beautiful on the inside. i don't think i'm a horrible person... i know these peoples personalities around me and i think 'they have so many flaws' and although i do too i wonder why theirs are never noticed and their pursued while i'm standing alone. just once i want to be looked at be thought about as a beautiful person, to have someone persue me. it just hurts. it hurts so bad. i'm crying again. ♥ ?