Ive come to realize that peoples reasons for this town being so shitty is, "its ventura". which is not a reason. like so many other places, this one is filled with hypocrite drug abusers, whom dont believe they are the problem. im not going to be one any longer. without even realizing it i became quite dependant on bud and alcohol to calm my nerves and ease pain from the tentions of my life. now i see that those same vices have made things sooo much worse for me. Paranoia, anxiety attacks, being constantly overwhelmed. At the end of the day I would look in the miror with disgust and shame. You cant love others while hating yourself, i see that now too. I've let too many people down, including myself. where i was fearless, i now fear. where i was fun im now morbid. some people would say that ive been high everyday since sophmore and i miss those days where i knew they were wrong. I miss my confidence, I miss my faith. I miss love NO MORE Its been a week so far, and i feel my sences returning. No more throwing gasoline on my flame. Id much rather be an ocean or lake. On another note ive been having vivid long dreams. not nightmares just real and awkward settings. Not sure what they mean yet.