so im sittin here. chillin, thinking, thinking of the most beautiful, most amazing thing thats happend to me. as of now she's the only one that actualy gives a fuck about me. and i know thats kind of a dumb thing to say cause people are like, "well im sure your parents care about u" and i think sometimes they do but i mean she cares more, and thats fact. i just wish that i could do more for her. i wish i was rich so i could buy her everything she ever could want. i know im gonna miss her a lot when shes gone this summer. i try to keep it out of my mind and fake like its not wearing on me. but its something thats on my mind a lot. well whats next.. . who cares as long as im with her it doesnt matter.hm. i think she deserves a hell of a lot better than me. fuck i care sooo much about her and everything she does. but at the same time im realy afraid. and i dont know what im afraid of exactly. it might be the thought that im going to fuck up, which seems to follow a certain trend. or it might be the fact that i will do something and she wont tell me until she breaks up with me. i dont know maybe ive just been doing too much thinking. theres been a lot of drama. just say no. i remember last summer... haha by a move of god. i want to spend this one with her. we'll have lots of fun, i want to stay with her. she makes me feel hole. haah no matter what subject i try to talk about it always ends up with her.haha its funny really and wonderful. my mind is being held together by thoughts of something i only have partial control of. its a mental glue that is contains two active ingredients one being extremely adverse and unpredictable the other being way to predictable to handle. wow glenn way to fucking make no sense. its ok cause i get it. somone told me i was "fucking crazy" today. i was confused. and then i was "fucking confused". which made me realize that fucking is a good descriptive word. fuck that. i got high this weakend.. and it just wasnt the same. im just not used to being a turnaround story. and i wish i knew why that is so difficult for me. why i dont like that image for myself, i think it might be because i dont think thats who i am. i dont want to be the best, i want to fit in. and i may be critizised about that, but ive its never been easy for me to fit in, and to do so would be an amzing acomplishment in my book. if someone were to ask me whats been on my mind. i'd say it is mostly a daily struggle with my right and wrongs. ive been trying to plan things out because i know if i wing it, i'll make wrong desicions. its nice to have a plan, its new to think straight. Im glad i have her to help me do that. no one has really every shown me how to think right, and i guess thats kinda stupid and u figure that i shouldnt need to be shown. but i think having no one as a kid and growing up leaves gaps in you that are harder to fill down the line. and shes filling my many gaps. its nice to feel whole its nice to feel healthy its nice to feel forgiven its the best to feel loved. its new, i think i'll keep it around. at least till the glue gets to old to hold this together. I love you