so today i stayed home sick. my arlarm clock went off at 6:30 as planned but i hit the snooze. this morning i woke up and wated to die. ive had this headcold for quite some time but when i woke up this morning it was something else. it wasnt the fact that my nose was stuffy or the way my head hurt. i was perfcetly ready to get up and go to school. i was even half dressd when i decided to stay home. the thought of getting dressed, of packing my bag and leaving through the front door, seeing him waiting at the intersection for me. facing awkward silences. being so attracted to him but hating myself because i knew it wouldnt work. sleeping through first period, bullshitting second. giving all my energy to third pretending to be happy in fourth hating my life in fifth being too quiet in sixth. it just didnt seem appealing. having to fake myself today. this morning i woke up and i was a mess. its funny how these feelings can be so deeply hidden. most of mine were under piles of clothes in my room. some things needed to be put to rest. like the old pictures of me and him. yes, they had to go. but while doing so i found old letters from her. there were so many of them. they were all so long. she said she loved me. i knew it wasnt a lie and that i knew i loved her too. why did that have to be thrown all away? was it my fault? will it ever be the same again? its 2:27, and i just finished cleaning out my closet. my room is cleaner, i am feeling better. and im sitting here thinking about what chandler told me last night. people would probably think me stupid to actually listen to anything chander has to say but what he said was right. this "hurting" doesnt have to stop, it doesnt need to. if it makes me happy then its not "hurting" its the best thing in the world. why give it up? i just need to find it again and then i'll be ok. the end.