i was reading some of my past entries. so depressing. particularly the ones about josh. even more particularly the one where i got my hair cut again and we weren't together but he hugged me that day and said i love you. all the entries i made saying i loved him so much, how great he made me feel. something that jesse isn't doing. i know he means well but he needs to be a little more supportive. i dont mean to be picky and all but im used to being treated nicely by boyfriends. so far our relationship isnt much of anything but making out and saying hi. really deep. i cut again. i couldnt help it my wrists started itching and i found this pin beside my computer...then i realized my mom is taking me swimming today and i have to find some way to hide it now, something that i can get wet. my bracelets, which i wear all the time, (i know it's wierd but it takes so much to get them on and off, i just keep them on.) but yea, they don't do the job all to well. it wasnt a razor so it wasnt that deep. maybe it will be mostly non visible by the time five o clock comes rolling around. *with this knife i'll cut out the part of me the part that cares for you with this knife i'll cut out the heart in me the heart that cares for you* smile empty soul is what you listen to when your depressed. that's all there is to it. some bands have their happy songs and then their sad songs. not them. all of their songs are the very equivalant of depression and a feeling of death as conforting. just three more days to get through. time is going by so fast. soon it will be summer vacation. then that will take forever. then i'll be in eleventh grade. scary. to me anyways. i dont wanna grow up. *you wrapped your hands tight around my heart and squeezed it full of pain* im worried about matt. i dont know why but i cant stop worrying about what he's doing and why, i just hate it when he gets really depressed, and he hasnt been this bad in a while. that i know of. he doesnt talk to me much unless we're hanging out together. of course what's there to tell. we're both depressed people, it's a simple concept. details are unimportant. it's usually the same thing. i started reading huck finn last night. it's not that bad. i was actually interested. it's really long but i think i'll make it. i might even get it finished before school is out. then it wont take but a few days to read the others. especially if i read them out of school, where i'll have plenty of time on my hands. i'll be getting a job soon. (i've said that for months) but i really will this time. this summer i'll have a job. but im not sure where. i was thinking about the movie theatre. so that way any time anyone i know goes to see a movie i can say hi to them. no, im not a stalker, ...of course i dont follow people home, hey dont look at me like that.... eh hem...ok anyways, i guess i should go clean the bathroom like my lovely mother told me to do yesterday. yay. dirty toilets turn me on....NOT. i hate bleach. i hate summer. i hate bathing suits. i hate me. end of story.