well that was pointless. i waited for two hours while my mom was on the phone so i could get online and talk to eddie. but within two minutes, and two sentences, he leaves. and my sister is too busy to respond. no one else is on. and im bored shitless. i wanna talk to daryl and i havent stopped thinking about jesse for a moment today. i wonder where he is, what he's doing. how angry he is at me, or if he even cares anymore. he's probably forgotten mostly about it. obviously since he couldnt even say goodbye to me. he doesnt care. guys are so damn good at pretending. tricks me everytime. i've thought about, ugh, dare i say his name, fine i'll just say it, i can be no more cursed than i already am. i was thinking about josh. i was over him, took long enough, almost a year. but just around, oh i guess it was february or so, then what happens....i see him. and then everything comes back. i cant help but wonder what he thinks of me now. and if he ever cared. which i know he didnt. that was pointless too. he could of at least made being used enjoyable. bastard. i hope i meet someone new next year. so i can start this whole mess over again. what will he say when i see him again. what will he say. has he met someone else by now.....probably. luckily my grandmother in georgia has aquired an internet connection at her house now. so i can at least keep up on here about how boring it will be while i'm there for a week. i'm leaving thursday. man i hope i can pass that driving test wednesday. i'm so nervous. i thought i would pass the first time. and i failed miserably. maybe it will be easier in a smaller car. i sure hope so. i talked to my grandma today on the phone, and she said that i could use my dad's truck, or her car. yeah sure, to go where. i dont have any friends in georiga, except for stevie. i know i'll try my best to see him this time. if not many times. just to get away. of course my dad wants to take me fishing. i dont really like it that much, but i guess it's part of the bonding thing. the only other thing we can do together is listen to music. it's weird. i miss jesse, but i dont want to see him again. i'm afraid to even see him. i'm afraid that when i look in his eyes i will burst into tears, and he wont want me back ever again. i feel like i've done something terribly wrong to him that he could never forgive me for. i feel lost. hopelessly lost. i remember this part of the summer last year, i think it was close to this time that i started to, hopelessly, like someone. that was also pointless, again with the pointless shit i get into. the problem i had then still exists today. and no matter what it always will. i had a dream last night. matt came back. he looked like he used to, in 8th grade. red hair, no peircings, and he was wearing a white jacket. (yes strange, i know) but he was happy. he came up behind me, and hugged me, then we went over to, someone else, then samantha. and he was back. but then it was like he had to leave again. then as i was laying in the pool today, staring at nothing, i started to think about when i dated him. how i obviously meant nothing. once again. i should have known right then and there. he only asked me out becuase davy wanted him to, he said that. he never touched me. and i should have known. i feel so lost, and i should have known.