i danced with josh last night. he sang to me and i dance with him to this song. i went to say bye to him and everyone else and he asked me if i could wait until the next slow song...he had been dancing with ashley abrahm so i said what about ashley..he said..what about her...so i said ok. so i waited through two songs and this one came on and i was looking for davy and he said oh well it doesnt matter and we started slow dacing. i cant even describe how that felt. it felt so wrong but so right at the same time. i knew that i shouldnt have been doing it...but i didnt want to stop. then when the song was almost over..i think devin and stacey saw us and stacey grabbed me and devin talked to josh..i dont know what he said but i told stacey that i had to go to be home in time and she said ok and i left and told josh and devin bye. i found davy at the door and i went back outside the gym to mike and someone told me they were looking for me..and i said yeah i know...so i got to mike and i asked where rick and miriah were...he didnt really know...and i said...i found davy...and he said..so i heard. i dont know if he knows what i was doing...but i dont think he does. he didnt really seem upset. not like the night before. i almost kissed him. we stopped and i hugged him two or three times and it came so close but we both knew it was a bad idea...that's when stacey and devin came in. then when i got home mom asked me about it..of course..and i told her what she needed to know...and she asked me if me and mike were in love with each other..i said...that he was in love with me...and she asked me what i felt and i said i didnt know. then i explained the whole "tough guy" thing to her and i said kinda like rick..and she took it so the wrong way. she said oh i thought there was something between you two..and i was like no no..that's not what i meant...and she said i know..but i can see that he thinks your cute or whatever and i was like...um...ok then. if you say so. then i had a dream last night that rick told me, mike and me wouldnt last past the next month. he said..."i dont really see you two making it past the next thirty days." exact words...and i woke up almost thinking he actually said it last night..but i know he didnt... and right now, i'm not sure what i want..or what i feel. i'm gald that i'm not seeing anyone this weekend...and by anyone i mean mike...or even miriah and rick..i dont think i can handle it...and especially not josh...ok yeah by everyone i mean everyone. when i left rick's house...my cd player kept messing up so i turned to the radio..and the station it was on...was playing this song. it doesnt seem too ironic..they play it all the time...but when i happened to have just turned on the radio randomly and had just dance with the guy i'm still in love with to it..yeah...i find the irony a little more than coincidental. but maybe i'm just being stupid and contagious...i guess all i can do is wait for mike to get tired of it or me...whichever...and break up with me so i dont have to do it and not be able to explain why. what can i say that wont make me feel like i've torn out his heart. or maybe...he feels the same way...i wish he'd stop saying that he loved me...i'm tired of saying it back. saying i love you without meaning it is worse than not saying it at all.