After the date with Jen, kissing someone else's girlfriend, and the rejection that followed, i thought perhaps there would be something of a pause before another emotionally-charged situation came up. But then i kissed Dora.

Dora's my housemate this year, and will be next year too. I've liked her since i first met her. I thought she had a cute personality, but most of the attraction was because she's one of the hottest girls i've ever seen. Perhaps, by conventional standards, she's not a picturesque beauty of model calibre. I don't go for girls like that though. Dora is my perfect type: nice legs, great bum, big boobs, blonde and curvy. As with the previous post, i feel i must mention that i'm not saying she's unconventionally beautiful to hide a real truth: I have always said that Dora is, physically, my perfect type.

Throughout this year we've grown close, starting almost a brand new relationship, as, though we were well acquainted last year, we were just friends. We'd danced together and grown close, but not close enough for me to feel able to make a comfortable decision on how well we'd get on living together, and not close enough for a strong amount of trust to build up. I'd told her that i really liked her, but i'd also rather like a number of other girls, and she was aware of this. Furthermore, i had a notorious reputation as a reckless man-whore, so, of course, any feelings i exhibited towards her would have been seen as almost expected.

This year, we've stayed up late together on an uncountable number of occasions, and have often flirted casually with each other. There was a running joke about having each other's babies, and how beautiful they would be, and she'd often compliment me in the sweetest ways, her favourite and most-used one being that i look like Hugh Grant. However, we'd often bicker over pointless things, not getting personal but still getting very emotional. Since discussing it with her, it seems so obvious that, while some of it was a fun challenge that i took too seriously, it was also the product of a strong tension between us, stemming from an intense mutual attraction. There were other times when an awkward look was interpreted as something other than the attracted gaze that it was, adding to the tension, and there were probably more instances of such things. Now we're acting only friendly with each other, still, but there's a large amount of trust and respect that's grown from accepting our feelings for each other, and getting to know one another more intimately through these new approaches.

I said we're playing the 'just friends' act. This is only partly true: we are in front of the other housemates, so as not to stir feelings of awkwardness in our housemates, and in front of other mates, in case it falls through and so people don't start speculating or expecting things. When alone together, we're a lot closer, and tend to talk more intimately and personally. Still, though, are friendship hasn't changed, only grown, and we're able to chat like before, only better.

I spoke to Jo, my best friend last year, and she said to be careful, as she knows how much i throw myself into relationships. Two posts ago i was getting over-excited about a different girl, so i feel perhaps i should explain myself here. Despite what i may have said about Jen in particular, there wasn't a lot of excitement about her personally. Certainly, i'd learned about her in a more intimate way than i would have if we'd not been on a date, and i felt that i liked what i learned. I'd said that there were no niggles, and this was a big step for me: the possibility of getting with a girl i liked, without knowing it was doomed and going for it just because it beat being alone. Of course this was excited blindness to the things that had kept me at bay from Jen for all of first year, but that's stuff for another post. So how can i like Dora so soon after having feelings for Jen?

That's easily explained: I've like Dora since i first met her. As previously mentioned, she is the image of feminine beauty to me. And the more i grew to know her, the more i liked her personality. I had this problem with always fancying girls if i felt they were even the least bit attractive, physically or mentally (but more physically). I'd pledged, this new academic year, to get over it, and i did so by changing the way i approached girls. It helped spending so much time with my sister, because it taught (or, reminded) me that it was possible to hang out with an attractive girl (such as my sister really is - and i mean this in a brotherly admiration way). So, i thought, i'd look for traits that taught me to be friends with a girl, instead of looking for reasons to fancy her, while finding reasons not to make a move, too. With Dora, i couldn't do that. I'd told her she was my biggest challenge, and i admit, i felt a slight sense of failure when i was unable to recondition my approach towards her. I never went for her because, despite our playful flirting, i didn't think i was good enough for her. What changed, i cannot be certain of, but i do know that my confidence has been growing the longer i've been friends with Dora, due almost entirely to her endless flattery. Perhaps she gave me the confidence to kiss her. Or, perhaps, she kissed me first, putting an end to my feelings of unworthiness. I don't quite remember, i'd had a bit to drink.

On the topic of her compliments and my increasing confidence, i now feel as attractive as some of the most good-looking guys around campus. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant to me: Dora thinks i'm damn fine, and i believe she's right. Plus, as a little confidence booster, i'd taught myself to think that every time someone gave me a strange or lingering look, it was because they were secretly thinking about how attractive i was. Egotistical, yes, but mine is an ego that has not flourished for 20 years, and needs a bit of encouragement. Dora does this for me. She's mentally fulfilling.

So now there's a potential relationship in the works. The only problem is that she's sort of scared of relationships, and has the typical Sagittarius need to be free. So, we're going v-e-r-y slowly, firstly so that, hopefully, she won't feel scared, but also so that, if she does, there's not a lot of back-work to do to re-establish a 'just friends' relationship. We'll discuss how we feel in 3 weeks, just before x-mas.