how did we get here? how the hell? christmas eve last year... looking back not muchhas changed since last year.. im still here.. still stupid... still floating.. i've made no progress.. i have not bettered myself or the world around me.. i blend in by sticking out.. im still alone.. i was born that way i will die that way... and when i was little they said "oh, she;s vey independent." like i had another choice... no siblings.. very few friends.. some very unstable.. Rosie... like the night she was in like 4th grade and her mom didn;t come home from drinking til 3 am so she had to sleep on the porch.. pammie.. my friend so i could beat the shit out of her.. it was a regular thing... we'd get in fights.. it was a release for me... i never really liked her except that she was a good fight... elysia.. she was normal.. i guess... emily and stacy.. high schoolers when i was in elementary school.. i was with them the most.. heart.. maybe that;s why i tend to go for older people as friends.. they were my closest friends and the farthest age difference... idk alone... you go to speak but everything u try to say twists itself and jams itself back down ur throat... i can;t telll you the things i want to.. i won;t let me.. it feels as if my heart would turn inside out if i tried to tell you what it held.. you;d know what made me tick.. but this body would no longer hold it;s essence of emma.. i would be lost.. i went to the mall today.. after hanging out with pat gimp and liz.. i walked around a little.. i wanted to puke... christmas.. i hate it.. the music, the fake cheer, the fat guy who alll the kids love b/c he will bring them what their hearts desire.. how can i ask for what i want? i want my heart ripped from my body and it;s secrets revealed.. not for your sake as much as my own... i want to feel his chubby warm fingers grasp my beating heart and feel him squeeze til it's almost more than i can take.. the rush of blood through me... ready to burst... i am ready to burst... huddled within myself trying to keep the explosion inside... welcome to my winter... i die every snowfall.. razor sharp snowflakes cut away at my ego.. im drowning.. i don't want to be captain of this ship anymore... but i love the water.. too bad it;s slowly filling my lungs.. slowly invading what i call me.... swim in a tube. follow the yellow brick road... if dorothy went on the red brick road, she might have found something better than kansas.. i don;t wanna be in kansas anymore.. i wanna know where this tube leads, and why i cannnot branch out from this tube... maybe its circular.. i cannot find a way out.. and that;s why history repeats itself.. circles within circles.. no wonder im so dizzy...