and i sit here more alone than i have been in a long time. im held together by the slightest glue, dried with time and arbitrary feelings than were only another layer of paint to cover the real imperfections of the masterpiece. my paint has been slowly chipping. just ad another coat on top to cover these new imperfections. they are still there, only deeper now. the underpainting of the impressionist work.. whats your impression of me? do u really know the painting til you have scraped away the top coats that are only there to look nice for the passerby's eye. ahh but today my layers have been torn down, imperfections revealed, mostly to myself. i liked the look of the top coat. it was nice to believe it was all good. but words cut deep and those that originated from my own mouth cut the deepest. an artists block. words that clog my paintings pure feelings and perfection. no, it is never perfection. there are flaws even in this top layer. and one has been exposed even though i try to mask it. now this crack in what seemed okie has now expanded, and become waterlogged with rainy weather. why must my oils eat through my canvas? why must my feelings eat through my soul? sigh.. and now i have ruined this canvas... where do i find a new one?... or do i just add more gesso and start fresh.. the latter way would keep everything there... just add another layer.. i don;t think that solution has been working. i've made such a mess of this one. i guess its time to start scraping eh? find all those things i've tried to hide.. have other people point out the flaws that never came to mind.. or that have been forgotten. but by making such a mess of my own, i have splatttered paint of those who surround me. these have now been brought to my attention also. i wish i could fix the damage i have done. some have covered it too... another layer... yet the color of my faults still shines through. i wish i could erase such blemishs but i cannot. its a paint i have not known that now colors my thoughts. real pain and sadness has always made my hands ache and cramp. i guess i must control such feelings to continue the painting and set the composition right... i hate this painting.