if the real beauty is in the flaws than why do we always strive to do more,be better at something or improve ourselves? (i must be faster?) why am i not satisfied with the flaws? how can i be when i know that it would be better with out them? i can do better, so why settle for what is accepted as good enough? i guess this is a connection to the last entry and my learning of my scores on the sats, math - 630; verbal - 680. so all in all 1310. blah. i could have done better. im not happy with myself. but the parents love it. they feel so good about them. why, if they are so happy and say that these give me so many opportunities, do i feel i like shit? sigh... and now they push the medical illustration. i heart illustraion but im squessmish.. padre plans on showing me lots of nice gory books til i get over it. but couldn't exposing my fear by cofrontation go either way? make me stronger or just make me even more afraid? i guess we'll find out. and now i have this dance tonight. thinking has made me not want to attend. i don;t want to be near people as i might add more defects to those that i care for. is it better to avoid all? as for giggles.. i don;t know if im that interested. lust. no wonder its a deadly sin. thinking back on my own i want to die.. that way i cannot repeat harmful actions agaisnt those whom i cherish.. but those actions hae been done and cannot be changed. their ultimate confession will come in time... not to any of you but to Minos. i need to not read that anymore. now is not the time. now.. what is it the time for?