i;m on autopilot again. only have time to do work. it;s hard to breathe when there is the everlasting squeeze of "i know i must do this. i will have to sacrifice for it, but there is no other option." we must maintain the average, and that;s something that;s easier yelled by my parents than actually accoplised by me. "you're better than this." i'm starting to doubt that i am. i;m wondering if being above is really what it's cracked up to be, beacuse from what i've noticed, it's not. the "advanced" kids seem quite narrow minded: it's always accomplish this or that, they are quite unpleasent to be around and there is never a friendly air about them. there is always the expectation to be able to do everything at that excelled rate and quality, but in the end, it;s draining and takes a toll on your human relations. there are no friends there. even the friends are distant now. partly my own fault but maybe not all. alone in her work. i guess i thought it'd feel more rewarding than this. then there are the kids who are throwing their lives away. they are much more interesting than those who plan it down to the ties they will wear when the rule the world. they seem much happier than those who excell. i almost want to throw it all away to feel their bliss of nothing really matters. but i can't do that. ha. i'm "better than that." but i really don;t want to be either. i want some sort of balance, but i can;t seem to be able to throw it all away and utilize every little scrap i have to suceed. so i sit in the middle. alone for now with my hatred of the people around me. the squeeze tightens. time to hold my breath and work through.