I hadn't intended on using this diary thing like my journal but here I am. Mother cant afford therapy so I figure this is the next best thing! you should know that I write a lot when I do this. So if you have a short attention span or just plain dont care.. it's quite alright!! just stop reading now!!haha Well today I was thinking. Some things are just so hard to let go of. Even if you know that it must be done. Whether it's a friend, and idea or memory, even an old stuffed animal. Anything. Obviously you hold on because it means something to you, but in my case and from what I have seen in others, there has to be more to it. There are always a few special people in our lives. Great people. Sometimes when you meet them it's like you instantly just click.(true for friends and .. "more than friends" alike) So this person, this GREAT person who you thought so much of, your relationship with them was practically routine. Well it's dying now. You're changing and so are they. But we are creatures of habit and we enjoy the comfort of knowing that friend/relationship is there. Because, when it's good it's great. Right? So we carry on as long as we can. Avoiding the inevitable truth. It's time to give up. Well moving on. I often find myself reliving the past. Embarrassing moments or just debating on whether or not I made the right decision. Evaluating the possible outcomes as if I could change the past if I only thought hard enough. I do think about the good things too but that’s normal enough. All these things that I think about are things that I hold onto because they have taught me something. From learning that falling down is not the end of the world. To realizing that not everyone in this world is my friend. Some people, sad to say, just bring nothing but bad news and can't be trusted. Now, in a perfect world I would learn my lesson, forgive if needed, and move on. But I am far from perfect. I learn my lesson but many times just don’t really move on. I deny the grudges that I hold because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. So I say that I'm okay and lay a few more bricks on the walls that I have built around myself. Security. I guess that's just life. And secretly I wonder if my beliefs are actually worth anything at all. Not much of a secret anymore. But honestly, who would want to admit that the very principles that you have based your life upon are open to question. Not me. Like God. I say I'm a Christian, but I always find myself asking, "where the hell IS my God?!" And then there's Love. Even I can find holes in my reasoning about Love but I stick to it anyways. Maybe I'm just stubborn. But if I let go of all of these opinions then where would that leave me? Left with nothing to believe in at all. And then who would I be? That's a scary thought. That's why I ramble on in these pointless things anyway, so that I can better understand me. And all I have learned today is that I'm a coward. I'll wait anything out just to see what will happen. But ultimately I'm just scared of what could happen, what I could miss, if I let go too soon. I wonder what I'm missing now.