alright im gonna try to control my thoughts and focus on important things. im too scared of my future im scared that im gonna end up like my parents. i dont complain much about them because i know other people had it worse than i ever did but i still know what its like to go without. i know about the debt i had to master the art of avoiding bill collectors by the 8th grade. i know about the stress paying the bill can cause and i know what that stress does to you and how it effects your relationships with others. its a whole lot of tension lemme tell you. and all my life its been drilled into my head that i was going to be more than that and i was sure of it too. i am a people pleaser and a secret show off. its akward but praise does feel kind of nice sometimes.. i always wanted what they wanted. to live the life of an ivy league graduate with a high paying job. oh yes it was a very real possibility but i realized how MISERABLE i would have been. and i searched for me. this is what i found: a future art school graduate with a degree in interior design, body piercing, music loving, BUSINESS owning, roadtrip going, girl. those things about me are things that i love and NOBODY will ever... EVER.. get me to give those things up. but then i remember my parents situation and i wonder if the things i love will be enough to allow me to survive. if theyll give enough back just to keep doing them. its scary. i also have my last resort, i call it plan B. to become a prof. nanny. sounds lame but i love kids and the only people to employ nannys with degrees are RICH. benifits are great and if i became a live in i could get to travel a lot. i wouldnt be unhappy doing that but all my other dreams would have had to have failed to get to the plan b point. because once im there ill dedicate everything to that family.. join someone elses life instead of creating my own. i guess what im saying is that i have too much on my mind to worry about petty things that arent going to matter in 10 years.. maybe even 1 year right now im ready to breath again