Pat. You not talking to me was really shitty. Its almost worse than anything i wanted to talk to you about. You have proved to me that i meant nothing and you dont care. Maybe i did and maybe you do but you surely havent shown me that. you left me here with my own mind to come up with reasons to why you did this and why you did that, and why you dont seem to even care. i guess ill have to settle for my own answeres. here they are. i trusted you and you and you let me down. I dont care if you were trying to convince yourself. You should have been thoughful enough to convince yourself before my feelings got involved. i am stupid for believing it every time, but every time you would tell me and my friends even, all about how much you liked me, about how you werent gonna hurt me how you werent lame. And i fall for it every time because for some reason i still trust you after youve fucked me over again and again. How can you honestly find any way to justify that. you say convincing, and i say lying to yourself, countless other people, and me. and you say that you feel like we are just friends. but i believe that you had said you were comfortable. i didnt know friends lied to eachother. and i also didnt know that friends used friends. You say that kissing me was just wierd for you because it was like i was just your friend. well from the very beginning i have always let you make all the moves. i never pressured you to touch me. And nobody forced your hand up my shirt over and over again doors open and everything(thanks a lot for that one..) you sure didnt seem to be uncomfortable then. all that says to me is, you were just another horny little boy who took advantage of the fact that they had a girl who liked them. I cant believe i put up with the bruises and discomfort afterwards FOR THIS. i really enjoyed being with you at adrianas was because i thought things really might turn out different. you knew how much you meant to me and you knew about all your doubts but you told me that you had none over and over and you looked me in the eye and promised me things would be different. you said you werent gonna give me up this time you werent gonna lose me again. and you got what you wanted and i was so happy to be with you then you go and pull the same old games. So thats why i feel like a slut. you fed me lines and i wanted to show you in some way that i was yours, but it was all just fun and games to you apparently. so im your whore. how does that make you feel? I feel really pathetic because ive given so much of myself to you. I would do anything for you, and you were the only one in my mind for an entire year because, like i said, you always know just what to say to keep me waiting. I waited an entire summer for you because you said you wanted me. i even waited after you never called like you told me that you would. i told myself that you were just busy or something but obviously that wasnt the case. you came back and for all my waiting you give me absolutly nothing. It was like you had forgotten that you ever said anything about us before you left. so i made excuses for you. i am always doing that. i just tried to accept the fact that people change and i wasnt mad but it still hurt ha and after that you had the nerve to make a move on me in kentucky. that was really.. sweet..:/ i bet youre glad i can never cry in front of people you always sorry you say you care about everything but half the time you dont prove it with you actions. i never needed or wanted it but you always said "im sorry, ill change". You never made any efforts to change! so even if its not what i had wanted it just proves to me that it was an empty statement. and a bunch of other little things you say that youll do like take off work or call me. you never did that for me. i know i should have never trusted anything that you said. but i did.. and this whole month youve also had me going crazy thinking it was me. You made "secret" diaries and talked about how i needed to calm down and something could happen if i would just let it. and i felt horrible and wanted to make you happy and wanted it to work. but you are telling me that you just felt awkward the whole time, even after i gave you so many chances to leave me if you werent sure about things, and then you are telling me that we never see eachother and that bothers you. well whos fault is that? you actually told me that not seeing me scared you. you ddint want to lose me. and i told you that it was okay and that i didnt mind waiting for you as long as you talked to me when you could to make me feel like the wait was worth it. and you said that you would but you never did and i was tired of bitching at you. i hated doing that, honestly. But you who are so stressed out because you have no time and cant see me can find the time to invite and ex over because she was feeling bad. how noble. and you also found the time to ditch me saturday. i was mad about kayti at first but you told me you were just helping her and it was okay with me, and i didnt get mad about blowing me off either, maybe i should have been. wow. all week i have been dying to talk to you and i couldnt wait to see you and i couldnt wait for winter break because i thought this would give us time to hang out. i didnt go to florida because of that. you told me that if i went not to go for long and a week was gonna be too long for me. so i stayed here and you throw me away. after you told me you had made up your mind i decided that this was the last time. if you left me soon after for kayti or something it was done and i wasnt gonna be able to be your friend. i was really hoping that you were serious when you said this was gonna last. but it didnt. im sorry but you think a month is a long time? well if thats the case then you are mistaken. and now i dont know if youre with kayti or not but i dont think it will matter. i dont think i can be your friend. i would have found reasons to break that promise with myself if you had just talked to me. if you would have shown me that you valued my friendship and my feelings. i called you and told you that if you werent gonna be able to be there for me now then to let me know. practically another invitation to end things with me.. but you told me that you were going to be there and you said we could hang out the next day. and then you dump me. how caring can you be if im going through hell now and you build me up right before you know youre going to let me fall?!?! and i have fallen. that one hurts a lot. So i was hurting because of my family and i was hurting because of you, you knew but you still cant even be there for me as a friend. i told you thats all i wanted. someone to be there for me. not to listen to me bitch but someone to be there. and it hurts so bad that im hurting even more now and you still wont help me, youve run away and just left me here. so its not worth it i guess to try and be friends with you. i still dont understand how you could have honestly just been trying to convince yourself. all those empry promises and all that false assurance, telling me i needed to calm down. you took advantage of me. the fact that i was always there for you ,stupidly, whenever you wanted me. you could count on that and you have tossed me around so much that i really really feel broken now. and im going to say something corny and tell you that one day maybe you might realize exaclty how much you have hurt me, and how you ruined all chances having what could have been a good friendship. you took me forgranted. i dont know if i want to remember this all or not but i hope that you never forget and never do this to someone else. im giving you all the things i could find that reminded me of you in any way. i cant throw them away but you can do whatever you want with them. Best of wishes.