well i feel that its gonna be this or nothing i want people to take me seriously and if i say no to this then my family will think that im just exagerating. oh and they would be right because cmon, all the fucked up kids go to charter and those places... so if i dont go then i must be fine well thats fuct. i know im paranoid but it wouldnt surprise me if somewhere in my mothers twisted mind she realized that it would be cheaper and make her look better to send me to a week long, checked in, living in the looney bin session. shes never wanted to send me anywhere anyways. she never believes me when i have a problem. unless of course someone else tells her that i do. then you can be sure shell act like she cares, because now someone will notice if she doesnt. so i said id go.i hope i get a room alone. and if not i hope my roomate doesnt slit my throat. i just need someone to talk to so that i dont feel lonely .. someone i know wants to listen even if it is because they are getting paid. theyll do a damn good job at whatever i want because im paying thier bills. people in my life cant be depended on. just for normal things like they dont really understand, im not comfortable telling them, they dont want to get in the middle of any kind of drama. and i totally understand that, and i dont want to be a downer either. i dont want to be the girl who people avoid because she complains too much. once i start i dont stop... i keep it bottled up and then i just expload. god. my mother. i mean i go through a bad time and at last i get the balls to tell someone, her, and she tells me i just want attention. me, her oldest daughter, tells her that i want to kill myself and that ive even written a note. i was so desprate that i reavealed that to her in hopes of getting her to believe me. but no. she DEMANDS to see the note of the suicidal girl. thats fuckin personal. i dont talk to her about these kind things. my notes was filled with words that i have never been able to tell people. and she throws my monitor across the room. way to go mom you sure know how to make someone feel even more shitty about their life. "my mom is violent, angry, and unsympathetic. god its good to be alive" are those words YOU hear every day? and this might sound bad but she actually "steals my thunder" she even makes all my problems about her. she was apologizing last night for all our fucked up years of fighting EVERY DAY (literally) because "she loooves me" and she wants me to move with her. and started blaming it on her parents and claiming that she didnt help me because the grandparents didnt believe in that stuff and she was worried about what they would think.... and suddenly this is all about her fucked up childhood. listen up MOM!: IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT ME THEN YOU WOULD BE THERE FOR ME. YOU WOULDNT MAKE LAME ASS EXCUSES FOR THE PAST. ITS DONE ITS OVER!! I DONT care!!! understand? youre whole family seems to remember the old days much differently than you anyways. All of your stories are different. Hell grandma found a psychiatrist for me before you did! Funny, i rememeber you changing how our past went too. so what does that tell me? it tells me that you possibly have made up a whole crazy life in your head. wow. hmm that reminds me that all your stories of how you were supposedly treated are practically MIRRIOR IMAGES of my relationship with you. god damn take some fucking responsibility for once in your life.please. mother it amazes me how you can manage to find a scapegoat for every situation! wow you could teach a fuckin seminar on it. "how to munipulate your loved ones" if all this is in my head, if i make up all of my problems then it wouldnt really surprise me that much. When you come from a home that shows no sympathy. i know there have been times a few years ago when i have exaggerated the pain when i fell down or was injurred in any kind of way. and even then youd respond with "what do you want me to do about it" oh i dunno a simple "are you okay?" might be nice. you do it now because everyone sees! now that im not at home everyone else knows my business and like i said. you have to pretend to be nice. it really sucks for you that you cant lie. the tone of voice you get when you try to keep surprises from me is the EXACT SAME one you get when you are playing the caring, loving mother. i knew that santa wasnt real then , and i know that you are fake now. your words are SO forced. even my friends could tell so go ahead send me away. maybe theyll medicate me and keep me going to counseling. it will be great youll have to actually spend some of your precious money on me one more sob story to tell the doctors. "well this month i didnt get my zoloft and im slipping into depression again. but thats okay mom really needed that new bigscreen. ill try not to kill myself before my next perscription"