i should be feeling okay, but i feel weird. i don't know how to express these waves of whatever the hell this is. i can manage, it's just, i don't know. i think they're from not having my cousin around anymore. we used to share everything; events that took place during the day and silly gossip at the gym. after the gym we'd play lol. hahaha good times.

now he's off to college, good guy. i'm happy for him, worried, i don't want to smother him.

so the coworker at work, she really doesn't like me and i guess her buddy buddy doesn't care for me either. i really don't have time for this, i don't have the energy to waste. fuuuuck it. i'm done talking to her, saying hi all that nonsense. i just, i can't fake whatever. i can't

"el mundo es de los hipocritas" said my grandmother, uncles, and mother.

this is one of the most difficult lessons i've had to learn. this and

"no te des toda"

i have a big problem with dissapointing people; i can't allow that to happen.

so i've decided that him and i, guy from gym, ain't working. our schedules do not allow for anything "special" to happen. that and, he doesn't dance. the guy is so serious... he takes himself too seriously. he expects the best yet can't wash his shoes or shorts... something, there's something that just smells awful. only goes to the gym two or three times a week, doesn't do a whole lot and to be honest i'm pretty sure he's just overworking the same muscles, doesn't do cardio, and he more than two days in a row without exercising and in the process loses any condition he had built up. seriously, dude, no.

he's handsome. okay, so? he's awake... aware, i like that. he's tall and has a nice job... it's nice, not great. so different. we're so very different.

are we? i read my last post, i don't i wouldn't use "humble" to describe me. maybe we're not so different. i don't know.

i think this is what i needed. i need to step back more. just, take a moment to look at my life and my relationships. i've never been this close to my mom or my dad. i feel very fortunate to have something to offer them. for the first time last sunday i ran 11 miles. i ran them at a 9 minute pace. i'm only responsible for myself, i'm not pregnant. i don't suffer from any illnesses, well at least i think i don't :s. i'm attractive, i can tell. i can make friends. i get to play with kiddos, they're so sweet. honestly, i just i get to overwhelmed sometimes at how happy working with the kids make me. there are people outside of my household that actually care about me, care a great deal for me. there are people outside of my household that i would take bullets for as well. my sister is doing better, she has a boyfriend. i can change my body any way i would like. i can paint, i can do anything.

i guess i was anxious, i hadn't ran all week. you should see my fingers, they're all scabbed up. i can sleep, i can actually go to sleep. everything is going to be fine.