this is what i'm in search of. i'm not home. my thoughts are everywhere. there is no order. i want to be in peace by my leg won't stop shaking and i can feel the fatigue. i just want to rest. as soon as i close my eyes the thoughts pile up and i don't remember my name.

what's my name?

this is what happens when you put things off. this is what happens when you're not ready. you're ready. no, this is what happens when you don't speak up. i don't know.

i keep going back. i either go back or i find another vice. i'm going from person to person. if i can't have either i stop eating.

control is what i'm after. change of perception is what i need. i'm not where i want to be.

everytime i change my state I'm amazed at how screwed up my habits are. i can't believe this is me. i feel a whole lot of pain, shame, and guilt.

all of this, wow, no one knows. there isn't a living soul that is aware of how dysfunctional i am. no one. i'm so afraid. what have i done. but no, get ready to smile. i am the rock. i am stable. i am organized. i am happy. i am confident. i am relaxed. i have a plan. i have a vision. my life matters. i have a purpose.

fake it until you make it.