i am feeling better. it has been a week since i have seen him and my thoughts are in order. i know and have known there is nothing he could offer me that could ever come close to completing me, well that's not even the word. there is nothing he can offer me that would make his presence bearable. he doesn't make me feel good, confident, any of that. i don't and have never felt supported by him.

i opt out.

the idea, that's what i wanted. no, i actually appreciated the quirks and everything that made him, or at least everything he showed me. i don't know what he saw in me other than fun. i think that's sort of it. lol aah.

this is, i have options, i had no clue i had options. hmmm.

i want to lose five pounds, or seven and gain back five as leg muscle. i liked my legs last year hmm. no, i think i want to lose eight and gain back five, i want triceps too. okay. working in the morning will make this easier heh. i can start running, at least two miles a day for now and hopefully after going to get my ankle looked i can up the mileage.

i feel calm. well, no i need to wash the bathroom. there's still a lot to do.

this last week was weird. so stressful. i was in a really dark place. i feel like the last four days have been just one explosion after another of crazy shit. so many fuck its.

i feel lazy. i think i'll run a mile now and then start the bathroom and do the second one after. yeah.

breathing is not easy but it's worth the struggle. people are so kind, i don't have words to express my gratitude or appreciation. all i can do is cry. whenever i get "like that" i'll think back to them, they save my life in more ways that they'll never know. or maybe i'll share what's going on one day.

one thing's for sure, they just don't know, and it's not their fault.