so, i don't know what's going on. i'm here but i don't really know if i'm here. maybe it's the lack of sleep and food. i feel like i'm ina dream and i can see myself talking but i don't feel like i have control over what i'm doing and saying. this person typing sounds like me, smells like me, looks like me, but the idea or the "me-ness" is missing.

if i'm able to make this observation, some "me-ness" must still be here, right?

i think therefore i am.

yes.

so, so so so so so.

this weekend, way to start off the new year. i don't even know how the fuck that all happened. seriously. i'm just in awe. seriously. wow. wow.

there seems to always be an lover and the beloved. it's too early to tell right now. i've always been the beloved, miserable comfortable place to be. this time, anxiety. mm.

so internet, if you haven't guessed by now i guess i should be blunt-i'm talking to someone. i don't know if that's thre right word.

my aunt and uncle bought me bar soap and shower gel for christmas.

okay, they're not trying to say anything i think, but they just smell so good. the aroma, it's floral, which i've never liked but this is different. the smell is soft, it reminds me of my grandma. thank you.

god i'm so sleepy; maybe the burrito made me sleepy. i want to get back into running, i have running shoes now. hm.

just got invited to go to a bonfire... to go, or not to go.

ha. to go. :)

god i'm so damn stupid. damn it fuck. shit. *insert more vulgar words*

fuck fuck.

i'm so damn god.

okay. this person that i've met, i've actually known them for two years or so. this person, i would have never guessed or dreamed that he would ever be interested in me. i first thought he was going to be cocky or something and it just so turns out he's incredibly modest and humble, shy and thoughtful.

as shy as he is, he's so good, sooo amazingly great in yeah. and he kisses like, i don't even i don't know wow. just wow.

when we, we just fit together, we go together. i pick up on his cues and he picks up on my cues. it's amazing, today was amazing, everytime it's amazing. it's only been five tiimes but still, just gets more amazing.

so after having such a horrific experience and months of guilt, this comes and just smooths over the scars. the way i felt after that thing happened, during, i got so fucked up. even the events leading to that, the time before that and the times before that event. i feel like i'll never forget it.

the worst possible thing anyone can do to my body is that. the violence, i haven't forgotten it. when i'm with him, i get this feeling that everything's going to change. i get scared. he's one of many symbols of change that i hold close to me. change scares me but i know it's good.

i told him that he made me feel scared hahaha he asked why and i told him that when i couldn't see him i'd get scared. he's scared too.

it just fits, everything just fits and i want to cry. i want to cry because i just want this to be it. so bad. i think. i just i don't know. i should get dressed.