i don't want to call it anything, i willed it and it happened. i did it. that's all. i don't think i feel anything right now, i'm not sure yet. i'm a narcissist. i am. i'm surprised, i am genuinley surprised. it's not rage, it's not frustration, and it's certainly not depression. i cannot define it. i do what i do and that's all that is. right now that is all that is. i feel a need to share it. there is no where i can without really upsetting something-the peace. this false peace. bull shit. that is no peace. all i can do is work one bit of the situation, one issue at a time. one angle today. one side of the leaf on the tree. i guess that's probably why i never drew leaves on my trees ahahaha. every part of the tree had to be just as special and balanced as the rest of the tree-i would have been too overwhelmed. i'll share this journal with them one day.