after what was it, four years? three? i found him. i can't believe it. i look at my inbox and i see messages from him.. from today and yesterday. never did i think i'd hear from him. amazing. he's... he has a light. what, well it doesn't disturb me, but what's a little unsettling is that... he's the only person that could convince me into believing. of all the guys i've dated.. gone out with.. been with, whatever.. he's the only one i actually... liked. the one i haven't been able to forget. randomly pops in my head. for two years i couldn't partake in activities because i'd cry. i loathed talking on the phone. i haven't trembled.. not since him(nothing to do with sex). haha we didn't even... yet still. i don't know what to do. he use to live 4 hours away, now he lives in another state. jeez. i can't believe it. my fear now is... that he doesn't want to talk to me. i feel like a sitting duck, like i've myself up. funny thing, the guy i was dating... hahaha started talking to him because i thought it was him... wow. this was two years ago. now we talk, and... i'm not interested... he insists.. but i don't feel it. i haven't felt it. recently, i was with a guy for 11 months and 3 weeks, just ended it... there was nothing. before that i was dating a guy... nothing. before that... was with a guy for 9 months... nothing. however... i must admit, i did meet someone that did stirr me a little, or had begun to. haha the guy in anthro. in my other entries, jeez... forced. i want to feel, i want to... thing is.. i cant.. don't see myself doing that. i understand, i need to move on... but... it's... i thought i had... or wanted to believe i had. wow. this can't be healthy. this is a fixation, i've held on to this image... this being. must snip away what's left.