i dont know what im doing. i feel anxious, like i need to be doing something. i've been told i have accomplished a lot blah blah but to be honest, i don't really care. i know where i'll end up.

a lovely degree. the end.

what's a degree good for if you can't use it. it's so frustrating. i have a year, just one year to do it all. i could choose to spend the 8k or just take more classes at the college. i hate that college. people come up to you, randomnly, and ask for bus fare. see that would be just fine, if the HADN'T ASKED FIVE MINUTES AGO... I DIDNT BRING MY FUCKING WALLET, BACK OFF.

im in this relationship. we've been friends for two years, and been "together" for 1. i feel ok. i dont know what's going on. i dont know if i want this. it's not fair for him.

i'd like to be in a relationship where i get nervous too. i want to learn. teach me something. teach meee something. anything. tell me your ideas. what ideas do you have. what articles have you read. what books do you like. i want to know your favorite song. tell me why. tell me why. speak to me. speak to me. dont tell me what i'm waiting to hear. be honest. be sincere. i want to learn. teach me something.

i felt like this in the last relationship, and in the one before that. there's been only one that i felt alive. i mean, it was amazing. it was this intense feeling. he made wow. he read to me. i remember when it was over, i was so fucked up. i mean, it took almost four years to get over him.

funny thing, even today he gives me the chills. i want him to know how much i loved him. i want him to know how much i cried.

i'm not one to forgive. just cut cut cut. fin.

i want him to know. i want to tell him about all the times i'd go and i would end up crying. i want him to know the stupid things i did to forget. i want him to know about all the drawings. all of them. they were all inspired by him.

they all involve green eyes. i loved his green eyes.

i want him to know that i think i still love him. i dont know why. he's different now. he's found god.

that's not the person i fell in love with. that's not my ****. i cant even see his name. i was fixated, obsessed. god.

it's so hard not to let him know. it gets harder everytime. the other day i talked to him on the phone. i was so happy. we were practicing spanish heh.

he's not my boyfriend. he will never know of this, nothing. he's always going to be my buddy. well, not myyy buddy but just a pal. i dont even think i should be talking to him. i cant stay away though, it's really hard. i miss him.

whenever he messages me, i make sure to take a few days to get back to him. sometimes even weeks. when he told me about a girl that had invited him to go out i told him to gooo have some fun. i told him to be himself, no rico suave. i just want him to be happy.

i dont think i love him the way i used to. it's different now. hm.

i love michael. i do. i know he'll accept me, luggage and all.

i had this really nice dream. i was in a field and this guy that i had worked with was there with me. we went to a barn and stole a cart. the lady that owned the cart came out was looking for it, so we hid behind a wall. while we were hiding we were trying really hard to keep our distance from eachother. then she left and we brought out the cart and he pulled it while i sat down and laughed.

we actually did do that. it was really cool. i dont have a crush on him or anything, i just really enjoyed his company during those days. i want friends like him.

my friends are good, they are good to me. they're all just stuck in this routine. i dont want that. there's more than one way of doing things. i think im a hypocrit,

i dont think i have any friends. im ok with that for now, just wish that would change. i want to learn. teach me something. anything.

is this going to change?

if we get our "stuff" sorted out before the 25th of june of 2010, i will believe.

please protect her. she doesnt know. she doesnt know.

4 days to go...