so, how am i feeling? i do admit that although the options that are available to choose from are plentiful, none can describe what i'm feeling. there is no umbrella word that can effectively express what's goin' on in my lovely little mind of mine. with this being said, i'll just move on to something else for now.

i'm fed up, again! yes! where's my safe space? here i guess. i can't stand people that are polite. random. it sounds so alien to me. like, it's based off of these unwritten rules of society that we must abide by... many of which are useless and just feed into the continuation of other stupid rituals.

EXAMPLES!

MEN OPENING DOORS FOR WOMEN

SAYING BLESS YOU WHEN OTHERS SNEEZE

SAYING EXCUSE ME

SMILING WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL HAPPINESS

SAYING YOU'RE WELCOME

POPCORN TALK! GOD I FUCKING HATE POPCORN TALK!

it's these things i cannot stand in life! do you really want to help me? do you think that you taking action in whatever is going to help me, truly change my life... touch me in a way that'll change my paradigm????

people argue that hey, we're in a fast-paced society... we need to hold onto these polite rituals.. chivalry. FUCK CHIVALRY.

I AM NOT WEAKER THAN YOU. HAVING A VAGINA IS NOT AN INDICATOR THAT I MUST HAVE MY DOOR OPENED FOREVER BY SOMEONE THAT OWNS A PENIS. I CAN OPEN DOORS TOO. I AM NOT UNCAPABLE OF OPENING DOORS.

I DON'T NEED TO BE BLESSED.

YOU'RE FINE, DO YOUR THING YOU HAVEN'T OFFENDED ME WITH YOU NAAATURAL RESPONSE TO YOUR ENVIRONMENT!!

PLEASE DON'T LIE TO ME.

I GET IT, YOU APPRECIATE MY EFFORT IN WHATEVER. COOL.

SILENCE, LET'S JUST BE.

it's these things just make me want to sand my skin off. these are the things that keep me from seeing others as people. these things keep me from wanting to make connections. these are the things that hinder my relationships with people.

be honest. just talk. let's disagree, let me know when you disagree. i'll do the same, i promise you that. i will respect you. i choose to respect you that much.

people are just... aaah so dishonest! i don't want to connect with these individuals. i have so much to say, ideas, thoughts and I know what I have is worth a lot. i know i want to share this only with those i can trust. i can't trust you if you're just being nice, humoring me because i'm a pretty misinformed little lady.

i've struggled in life. i'm not alone. i don't need to put up with this. don't waste my time.

do you get it? do you really get it? while you're here worried about an event that has no relevance to your goal, people are dying. the mortality rate, that is what you ought to be worried about. oh and by the way, try not to take things so literal... think a little.

instead of working together, you want to find a way in which we can become rivals... compete for the love, attention, friendship, something of this man? have him. i'm fine.

i realize this relationship isn't going to end well. i know. they never do. i'll figure out my stuff, you do yours.

where's my safe space? where are my siblings? where's the tolerance... the support and patience? where's the truth? where's the crying coming from?

and then what you ask? and then what?!

let me tell you.

you and i, we both have different lives and different risks. you do something, you pay for school and your family will become upset.

i do something, i get kicked out. lose everything.

you and i, you and i are different. yes, i am aware of what i have to lose is mm pretty big, but what i have to win is peace. this peace within me that's oh so rare!

being a part of something. feeling welcomed. feeling home. feeling loved. being visible. being acknowledged. being heard. this is what i wan't. i wan't to do things for myself.

is this making any sense to you? should i explain it differently?