there has been a change, obviously. i spoke with my uncle the other week and i had another moment of truth. once again he found a way to unravel and trigger memories and woes i have tried to ignore. he says i can't deal with this on my own. i spoke with my right hand about this and well, it just doesn't understand... however, i was able to find some joy from her :) we spoke of her worries, both her and i found some solace. as soon as i was dropped off, it came over me again. there's this desperation, this suffocating feeling... it's like a small buzzing sound that just wont leave me alone. it's ridiculous. i spoke with an old friend from highschool, and then another one... and then i spoke with "him" for a little... they can't distract me anymore. it's there and it wont leave until it devours me whole. and then there is knowing i can't leave. i have to go to state. walk the same floor... i loathed... mingle with those... it's enough that i have to see some of them at school. i'm bitter. earlier i had this headache, so annoying. the right side of my head was throbbing and my face was twitching, i felt this anxiety. i can't find peace, i've lost it... they're coming back. i want to get a butter knife and skin myself to see if there's anything left. i want to go away for a while. i want to run away, i'm a coward. i don't want to face it, it hurts too much. reality, the current state, can't even refer to as if it's occuring to me. can't be blunt. i wont find peace here, going here. i regret it. i don't know why i went there, why did i have to lie to all of them? i'm just as troubled, but no one seems to be too concerned... that's it. i know there's something different, i am aware. i am aware. this is the price of being aware. i am aware. i am aware i am aware i am aware. what do i do now? who can help? there's no way anyone can help because, i know i wont be honest, i'll cover it up... i'll concoct a nice story and that'll be the end. why am i even studying to be this? if even i realize i can't truly help, why? i don't know if i was meant for anything, i wasn't meant for anything. this is senseless. i'm supposed to make sense out of it, make it relevant. life is making sense out of this... without this, i'll lose my humanity. i must hurt, or think i'm hurting. there must be shame, for without shame there is no sensuality... excitement. i see. i think i am. ok.