9-11-05.…………..1624 Well, I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written anything. A lot has happened., and I’m not sure where to start. I suppose I’ll start at the points that I feel need to be addressed, and go form there to the mundane stuff that I usually write about. For those that don’t know, Justadream and I are no longer. Right before the holiday weekend, we had a bit of an altercation, and did not speak the entire until the next week…..but I’ll get to that. It kinda started when I came back from my last job. I called her the day after I got in (I came in pretty late at night, and figured she was either sleeping or out with her friends, and I didn’t want to disturb either situation,) and let her know that I came home early, and wanted to know if she wanted to come up and stay with me for the holiday weekend. She informed me that she had already made plans with one of her guy friends to go out to his place and stay with him and some of his buddies that weekend. This kinda hurt my feelings, but such is life. I came home earlier than expected. One of my friends came in from the Air Force, on leave, and came up to stay with me instead, and we went out A LOT. During the weekend, She and I messaged back and forth a bit, but it seemed to me that her messages were kinda aimed at making me jealous. Now, I realize you can’t really read emotion into a text message on a cell phone, but that was just how it came across. She was letting me know about what all they were doing, and how fun it was, etc. When I let her know that I was having a ball, going to parties, and a couple of after-parties, she seemed to get a little upset, and that kinda bothered me because she was out doing the same, except she was out partying it up on a ranch with a guy that she had been friends with for a couple of months, and his friends. Now mind you, nothing was directly said about what our individual feelings were and perhaps I read too much into it, but that I what I got out of it. Now, what was really frustrating about this situation was that I have been living in the big city for almost 6 months now. When I left, she said she would come up whenever she possibly could…..and went so far as to look up the price of plane tickets to fly to the airport that is hardly 10 miles from my home. So far she’d come up to see me once…..for a week mind you….but only once. She always had other things planned, or was broke, or he mom didn’t want her to go, there was always an excuse, and the one time that she did come stay with me, the original plan was not for her to me with me that week. She took off that week to go with her family to see her brother’s new school, then her and her mom got into a fight and her mom explained that perhaps the best thing was for her to just not go on the trip. So instead, I drove down to pick her up and drop her off at the end of it. Now, far be it from me to look a gift-horse in the mouth. I truly enjoyed that week with her, and was kinda using it as a litmus test to see how things would be if she ever moved up, as she said she was wanting to. But that is all beside my main point, what it boils down to is that she said she would take every opportunity to come see me, and, IT SEEMS, worked to find reasons to not. Me, on the other hand……Most weekends I would find myself (even after we were not really ‘together’) driving down to go see her (about a 250 mi. round-trip.) That was A LOT of gas money spent and A LOT of going-out money spent to make things happen, and try to be with the girl that I really liked. Problem was, it was just never reciprocated……in any form. Anyway, at the end of the weekend, we hadn’t texted each other in a day and a half she called to make sure that I was all right. I was fine. I just felt no reason to text or talk to her. She had a new friend(s), and what was the point in me spending my resources on someone that, to this point, had pretty much just been a leach on them for the last 6 months. She promptly got off of the phone and as soon as I sat back down at my computer, she messaged me that she didn’t mean to bother me. We sent a couple of messages back and forth, and I ended up calling her. It was time. I called and explained that she needed to forget my phone number, forget my user names, and forget that I ever existed. I really, honestly felt that she had been using me for emotional, mental, and moral support, and you know, I just wasn’t getting the same out of the deal. She kinda got mad at me, saying that she wasn’t going to call me again anyway, and I told her that I was happy for it because I deserved someone one better than her. I deserved someone that would at least be honest and open, and giving. I have caught her in 3-4 lies in the last couple of months, one of witch involved her relationships with other men, and I truly believe that I deserve someone better than her, the woman that had done this to me. Besides the fact that she just wasn’t really there for me when I needed it, when I was down and depressed and alone in a new city with no friends and no one to turn to…..she let me hurt, she wasn’t there for me. So I explained that we should never have communications again, and we got off of the phone. Now, I was recently informed from some friends who I will not mention that she had some choice words for me in her diary, but that I could not read them because I was no longer on her ‘friends’ list. HOW CHILDISH!! Not only did we agree when I started my diary that we would not use names or specific towns and locations (which she was doing,) but we also agreed to never use this format to air out our dirty laundry, if you will. We said we’d never speak down about one another in an open format. Again, what I was told may have been hearsay, but I got the information from more than a few sources (I have not gone , and will not go to look for myself) that not only was she trash-talking me, but she had formatted her diary so that I may not view it. LAAAAA-AAAAME! So I figure that I may as well use this format to let my thought out into the electronic abyss, regardless of what she thinks, feels, or how much this pours salt into any wound……hers or mine. Heaven knows I have been burned by her enough times that I should expect it by now. I have made all of the private entries that had anything to do with her public. I had kept them private to keep from hurting her feelings while we were dating, to keep from causing problems with our relationship. Perhaps someone can take somethign away from what I wrote in anger. I hope you can, anyhow. So it is done. I would not doubt that by now, she has entered another relationship, is seeing someone, or is just sleeping around. No one has told me that she is, but that has been her M.O. since she started dating. Fall quick, fall deep, take it as far as you can as fast as you can, and ALWAYS get under the next one to get over the last one. What a stupid girl. I do not wish to speak to her any time soon, and possibly not at all. Ever. Perhaps in the times to come, if she can grow into an able-bodied, self-sufficient, self-sustaining adult, with less baggage, more self-esteem, and a better faith in the Lord, we can talk things out, become friends again, and maybe even be in a relationship again. But not for now. I have higher standards than to be with what she has shown herself to be. I tried to love that girl with everything I had, worked harder at that relationship than I ever have, and it seemed that every time I came out on the losing end with her. We could never be ‘as one’ we could never walk side-by-side, and if I cannot have that, then I do not need a relationship with another human. My faith in God, my faith in myself, and my faith that there are good, decent, loving people out there will carry me through.