God this whole family is fucked. seriously. nothing good can come of being here. i think i'll just get on a bus one day and leave. haha what a joke. like i have the strength to do that. i barely can cut deep enough to nick a vein. well at least i cut. which reminds me, i haven't since monday. i should, i can't lose my cuts. then what would be the point of it? it would be like they were never there. why am i still breathing? when i so desperately don't wanna be. i think it's some sick fucking joke. i'm fighting with her. but i'm worried about her. if she left i'd cry. i know i would. so why do i fuck around like this? maybe because i don't know why no one wants to spend time with me. what's wrong with me? that you would rather hide down there. fuck this those little comments. those remarks. they are the reason the razor feels so good. The razor is enough for me. I wish that i could just get the fuck out of this fuck ass town and start over. but how? i have no money. no skills at all. i can't even fuck for money since i'd probably end up paying the guys for sex. jesus christ, i'm fucked. Each emotion is another hit to the face. Happiness has the hardest punch. That's why i can put up with saddness and tend to indulge in it most of the god damn time. Today was pointless. I'm going down this spiral. Failing classes. Not caring about a damn thing. Wanting to get out. Cutting again. What is going to come of this?? damned if i knew. She's gone again. Decided to put that familar wall of hate. Not even bothering to care about me. i want to scream "why couldn't you have aborted me? why couldn't you have gotten rid of me? then i wouldn't know this god damn pain!" Why am i so sad? Worse things have happened to people. why do i dwell on the fucking stupidest things. I laughed today. Smiled. but all those thoughts. those happy thoughts are smothered by feelings of saddness and suicide. Why? i bet some people have worse lives. So why can't i deal with it?! I wish i knew. What the FUCK is wrong with me. God. Fuck you. If you can control everything. make me happy. Asshole. Do YOU LIKE MY TEARS? DO YOU? WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU FIX ME? WHY CANT I DIE? WHY CANT I FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THEN THIS DARK CLOUD THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE I GO?? i think the way i'd like to die would be something sudden. something no one would except. i don't wanna be that old woman that sits in the back of the old folks home and everyone wondering when i'm going to kick the bucket. what a weird expression. Am I forcing myself to become the black sheep of the family? i try to do shit and smile. but i can't deal with them. fuck that. He is so selfish sometimes. yet he is the only one who tends to stand up for me. He felt bad last time he broke that promise. god i love him. i don't think he loves me. Ya he's my brother, but i don't think he likes me. my personality. i'm emo. boring. loser. fat. depressing. crazy. sam. I wish i could change things. i wish i could make everything all better. but the truth is i cant and the more i try the worse it gets. So what should i do? Should i sit around and wait for something better. Should i disappear? should i just give up? what? These fanatasies about disappearing have become a constant. i mean everything i think about tends to be about me running away. disappearing from everything. i wish i could god i do. then maybe this family could get it's act together and be happy. i seriously think that they would have been better if i was a miscarriage. I'm just .... What am i ?