Listening to: Another Heartache - Miranda Lambert
Feeling: thankful
So here I am. Again. Jesus. I always do this to myself. You’d think I would have learned before. But nope. I’m doing this again. Fuck. I’m such a retard. Why. Why. Why. I am so lonely. So lonely. More lonely than I used to be. It’s like having a boyfriend and not being able to even talk to him makes me realize just how alone I am. I mean, this is a two sided sword, because I mean if I didn’t have him then I would complain more. Believe me. and I’d rather be with him. I really would. Because I do care about him. imensely. I am just sad, because I know he doesn’t feel it this deeply. And that scares me. and then there is this jealously I have. And that makes things even worse. Because I am just an idiot. A stupid retarded idiot. Who doesn’t deserve such a great guy who looks past this monster of a girl, and really does care. And really does say, “this is my girlfriend†you know. Who is proud of me. and I think he is. I really do. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe I should talk to him. and then there’s the other girl. Who has a crush on him and insists on telling him this every chance she gets. And he seems to like it, and put up with it. and tell me about it. which makes me so fucking sad. and scared because she is prolly prettier. And smarter. And lovelier. Hell any girl is like that compared me. so why does he have me? am I just an insurance policy? I don’t know. But I can’t get him off my mind. I can’t. and I’m not sure if I want too.
Then, there is this stupid adding stress of math that I def do not need. And it pisses me off. Because I SHOULD be done it. I should have my fucking summer. But I’m stupid. And I didn’t even pass math. Seriously who fails grade 10 math. A fucking retard does. Aka. Me.
Then, I have this stupid meeting thing. There’s a possibility she’ll put me on meds, or I might have to go to a “self harm†group. I don’t even think my self harm is that bad anymore. I actually think I can manage it by myself. I just need to cut a bit deeper. I mean, I realized. I need that blood. That flow of blood I used to get. I don’t get it anymore. That’s prolly why I am oh so stressed lately.
Well that’s it for me.
'Cause when there's you, I feel whole
And there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone
And I'd rather be in love with you
:)
[glambastard]
aww, sweetie! *hugs* where do i even begin?
youre not an idiot. not at all. and youre not a monster, youre beautiful. you can ask anyone that knows me, i wouldn't lie about that. and obviously this guy does care. you need to believe that, and most importantly, you need to trust him.
and as far as the whole therapy thing goes...listen, i know its scary, but you need to give it a chance...maybe it can help.
but listen, that feeling won't last forever. it'll be harder and harder to get that...and in the end, all you'll have are scars and wishes that you could somehow erase them and the memories attached to them.
i can't make you stop. i know i can't, and im not stupid enough to think i can change your mind about it...
do you have AIM or anything like that? if you do and you'd like to talk, let me know, i have AIM, MSN, and yahoo. and if all else fails, theres always email ;) lol.
i ♥ you!
its a slogan generator, basically it takes whatever word you give it and put it into a random slogan. some ive gotten are "They're Always After Me Brandi." and "Have You Had Your Brandi Today?" and "Brandi: My Anti-Drug."
lol, it makes me smile, maybe it can do the same for you :)
♥
Sorry if I have offended you
♥
m/
:P foreverinsane :P
I mean, I don't say that I'm pretty or anything, and I know I'm fat, but honestly.. why do you choose to say that you're stupid and fat? Does it get you anywhere? I'm not saying it's true that you're stupid and fat, I'm saying what does it get you for saying it? and everyone is beautiful. Honestly... just think... you could be uglier.
--Steph