I've decided that this year is an OK year, it's not great, and it's not terrible. Fourth grade and my Senior year of High School were terrible years, becaue I felt unloved and unappreciated. Fifth grade was a great year, I had friends who I could call on to do stuff with and I was fairly happy with myself. This year I feel ok, I don't really have people who I feel comfortable calling to do things with, but I do have IWA to go to and hang out with people. I've come to accept that Capitalism teaches people to be selfish and to think only of their own bottom line, and thus I have come to accept that many people just don't care about their fellow human beings, myself included. Capitalism has many drawbacks, but it does seem to work at least. I just need to recognize it's false doctrines and avoid them as much as I can. It feels kind of hypocritical in a sense. I guess I just don't want my ladder to success to be made of the broken and dashed dreams of people who I squished on my way to the top. I probably will never have a lot of money, and I'm fine with that. I really struggle to connect with people for some reason. I feel lonely in groups, which is odd. I keep a mental barrier between myself and them. I guess I'm just timid, I guess I'm afraid of getting too attached to people. I'll find a way through this mess some how. I am a phoenix, I am reborn from my trials into a new being. I feel lonely at times and I really don't know who in my peer group to turn to for relief from this loneliness. I suppose it partially comes from constantly being bombarded with the call to get married at Institute and in the ward. I do want to marry someday, I want to know what it's like to wake up in the morning with the knowledge that there is a child growing in me. I am not ready for all of this yet. I just don't feel ready. Lucky for me I don't have to worry about this anytime soon. I haven't been out on a date since the 4th of July. Kayley D. might be coming up this weekend. I'm excited for that. I hope it pulls through. She currently knows me better than anyone else outside my family. It might not work out because her dad was really by the SV students who died in a car wreck because he was the seen. It's sad that that happened, it always amazes me how fragile life is. Yet, the world moves on. I think I have a funny way of grieving. I tend to displace the grief and become more scatter brained than usual. I had an English test two days after I found out that Victoria had commited suicide and I made some really dumb mistakes on it. Luckily my teacher is going to let me make up the part that I bombed on. I'm truely grateful for this. I really need to work on getting to know people better, you just never know when they are going to fade out of your life, whether they move or whether they cross to the other side. ~Amyelk Out