So Kiefer broke up with me. I knew it was coming, I just didn't want to let myself believe it. it was horrible and that fucking ugly, idiotic moth beating itself to death trying to get to the uncapturable bright light was so fucking symbolic that it made me want to puke. i still feel like puking. or crying my heart out, one of the two. i was about to call someone and have someone to tell the story to, but i just couldn't do it. i don't know what stupid inclination creeped into my head that made me think for one second he would take it back, but something was there. I just wish he would have said something different, something real, something unique, because it would have meant he's not like everyone else i've met - it would show me that what we had when we were together was real. i wanted something honest, not some generic high school break up line. that's why i couldn't look at him. it was so depressing. and he said it like it didn't matter, like throwing away practically a year and a half of our lives wasn't important. it was like he was solving a fucking math problem or something for god sakes. i don't know what the fucking beautiful bracelet he gave me is supposed to mean now. do i wear it? do i not? does it even matter to him? i just wish i knew why. and the truth about why. i would have asked but i was too busy fighting back tears to get anything slightly coherent out of my mouth. but i guess now i'll never know. how can 17 months of happiness turn into painful memories in a matter of minutes? i don't understand. it seemed so easy for him. but then again maybe it was. i couldn't hug him. i just couldn't. if i did i wouldn't have been able to let go i go inside and see pictures of us together; on my binder, on my wall, on my dresser. his rings are on my nightstand, the sweatshirt he gave me in my closet, his birthday present on my bed. i don't know what to do with it all. but it's what you want, and I truly do hope it makes you happy. I'll always be here for you no matter what, I don't care if you want me here or not. if i know what love is, it's because of you, and i thank you for that.