Eu to em St. John's. Ja to aqui faz um tempo. Falando serio... eu to me divertido... e to super gostando de ta aqui... mas eh dificil algumas vezes... e eu nao consigo explicar isso pro Mike. Eu to me sentindo sozinha nesse momento. eu nao tenho nada meu aqui. Isso aqui eh a minha tentativa de fazer algo meu. Eu provavelmente nem deveria estar accessando isso aqui nesse computador, mas whatever. Ele pediu um tempo pra ele... tudo bem... eu entendo, e eu falei que daria esse tempo pra ele proxima vez que ele quisesse... mas eh um pouco dificil quando eu nao posso ter o meu tempo tb.... quando eu tenho que continuar cercada por coisas dele. Oh well. Eh so isso mesmo. Ta, na verdade eh muito mais... mas por agora eh so isso mesmo.

I feel so helpless... and yet, i'm trying my best for everyone and I may not make everyone happy. Actually, I won't make everyone happy. It's impossible. On one side there's Mike, and on the other there's Mariana. Obviously I want to go see Mike more than I want Mariana to come here. Not because of who they are but just because I just saw Mariana, and Mike, I need to see. And all those other reasons... But I feel like I hurt her. And I don't even know if I had to hurt her. Because I may still have to hurt Mike. Although, he told my last night he's going to buy me a ticket if I don't get one myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know what would happen if he did that. He can't do that, but this is Mike... and he may just do it. I'm just really stressed out. And frustrated. And impatient. And scared, have I mentioned scared? I don't know what is going to happen, but either way I feel horrible right now. I just want things to work out... I want to go to Canada... please... let me go to Canada...

Mike diz: It may not be my job as a boyfriend to pay for plane tickets... but it is my job to be supportive Mike diz: I'm here for you Bia Mike diz: Whatever you need, I'm here. Even if it's just someone to talk too. Need to remember that. *nods* I'm very frustrated and impatient about this whole maybe going to Canada thing. I just want a yes or no. This is all I can think about. And I hate feeling guilty. I hate asking them for money. It just makes me think that I could feel even worse asking Mike for money. I love him so much. I really do. And I wantneed to see him so badly. Especially now. And we keep going...

I'm good at people's secrets. Even if I do tell someone else, I'm very careful with them. When it comes to my secrets... there's one thing I have a hard time doing... keeping a secret to myself only. I feel like I need to tell someone but I can't yet. It becomes a possibility then. And i'll be questioned then. And I can't... I can't see myself fall apart again. But I do have to try... so I'm trying on my own, and keeping it to myself for now. I haven't even told Mike yet. I don't want to have to tell him it can't happen. I want to know more before I tell him anything this time. I really want to go to Canada. I really want to see him. It may happen. I don't know what the percentage is, it might be very, very low, but there IS a chance. So I have to be patient. I have to wait. Monday hopefully I'll go get the Visa done... and maybe someday I'll be able to buy a ticket. I don't know. I hate keeping this to myself. I may have to tell Mike.

I feel... worn out right now. Yeah, I allowed myself to believe. I won't be going to Canada in Feb. I won't be seeing Mike. And worse, I'm going to have to tell him this. Telling him this last time was hard enough. Now I have to do it again? Right after we almost broke up. I can't do it. But I can't not do it. He thinks he needs to see me more than I need to see him. He may be right... but I do need to see him too. And... now I feel horrible. I don't want to talk to him but I really need to talk to him. I need him right now... but he won't be able to be there for me, because he will be hurting too. What if he can't wait until April. Taking his money is just completly out of the question. Especially right now. I can't do it. I'll go crazy if that's what ends our relationship... but... I still can't do it. All I can do is sit here and be sad, and bored... and longing for him. Why did I let myself believe it. And why did I tell him everything today? If only I had held on. But I couldn't do that anyway, i'm too honest with him to keep something like this from him. I'm crying now.

I'm happy. I have a wonderful boyfriend. Yes, we're fucking far apart, but look at us. We love each other. Yep. He called yesterday. Out of the blue. Was so nice. I just wanted it noted that I am happy. I just have to hold on for a while...

I just don't know what to do sometimes. I'm so scared he's just going to decide it's pointless. He tells me I have to believe. But does he realise that he's the one that makes me doubt sometimes? He's the one that doesn't believe sometimes. What if it's just a matter of time. I can do it. I know I can. But can he? Who knows. I hate it when he makes me think he can't... He doesn't have to cheat in order to hurt me. These thoughts he has is enough to hurt me sometimes. I can't be understandable all the time. It hurts. And it's natural for me to react to it the way I do. Okay, he's back, i'm going to go talk to him now.

Things will work out. Eu acredito. Right now, things are good. Yes, just good. No one reads this thing, but i'm going to do this survey for myself anyway. Just because I can. - LETS START WiTH HiS BASiCS & APPEARANCE - What's His Full Name?Michael Richard L... Do He Have Any Nick Names? Mike. And more, but that's the only one I use. How Old Is He? 23 What Color Are His Eyes? some weird grey/blue/something color. Nice. ;) ...What about his Hair? Orange! =) How tall Is he? Very little taller than me. Is he chubby, skinny, average..? average Does he have a nice smile? hell yeah. Do you like his appearance? I do. Do appearances mean the most? No Do you like his smile? Hell yeah again. Does size matter to you? I don't think so What do you like most about his appearance? He just looks good, i don't know... it's not just the appearance, but how he smells... - HiS PERSONALiTY - Is he popular? he's normal Does he like to talk a lot? lol that is HIS caracteristic. Does he do things for you, just because? sometimes Is he always nice to you? for the most part, yes. How often do you two fight? not too much Is he bad tempered? no Do you like being around him? of course Can you make eachother laugh? yep Does he call you just to tell you he loves you? calling is too expensive, but he texts. Do YOU call him just to tell him you love him? same as above. Does he have a lot of friends? he has his good group of friends, enough. Does he flirt with other girls a lot? not a lot, not since he's been with me anyway. Does being appart affect his attitude toward the relationship? it's a long distance relationship... so not really Does he make you happy? very much so Does he show off or brag a lot? nah, not a lot Would you change anything about his personality? If so, what? I don't think i would. Or, maybe just when he goes into his anti-social moods, but doesn't happen too often, so doesn't really bother me that much. - ABOUT YOUR RELATiONSHiP - When is your anniversary? April 24 I guess Is it your longest or shortest relationship? longest Did he give you a promise ring? none of that sillyness lol Did you ever cheat on him? never Did he ever cheat on you? no Have you ever almost broken up? not really, no. How long do you want to be with him? forever? For as long as we're happy together anyway. Do you see marriage in your future? You never know... Do you trust him with your life? I might Would you ever lie to him? No, not about anything important. Has he ever lied to you? I don't think so Do you think he really loves you? yes, i do. Do you really love him? yes - WHEN YOU TWO HOOKED UP - How did you meet eachother? through a mutal friend, on msn. Did you know him before you dated him, & if so..how long? Hmm, I knew him for almost a year before we "officially" got together, but a bit over half a year before we started to really let things happen... Did you ever date any of his close friends or family members? lol no When & where was your first kiss? Inside a hotel room. haha (Not like it sounds) Who told who "I love you" first? It was probably him. What did you like about him before you date him? I liked everything about him. I liked the way he looked at me. I like the way he's determined. He's smart, attractive, funny. And our connection was amazing. Do you regret saying yes or asking him out? of course not. Did you two ever break up..if so, why? never - MORE PERSONAL STUFF - Did you ever suck his dick? ;) Did you ever have sex, if so..was it good? yes, and yes, despite initial pain. Do you two make-out a lot? a lot? I don't know, enough, when we're together obviously. What do you enjoy doing with him the most? I like just BEING with him. Does he like to just hold you while you watch a movie or talk? yes he does. Do you tell eachother everything? we tell each other a lot. Do you regret doing anything with him? no Would you change anything about the sexual relationship? no Do you like long, slow or short & fast kissess? both Do you feel safe in his arms? I really do. When you're with him..would you rather be somewhere else? most definetly not! Would you do anything for him? anything i CAN do. - OTHER RANDOM QUESTIONS - Would you massage him if he asked you to? yep Does he kiss you on the forehead? I don't know if he has... What do you wish he would do more often? hmm, i dont know... i wish he'd write me more often while he's at work... lol but you know... understanding why he doesnt hehe Has your relationship changed any since the beginning? of course Do you think he'd want things to change? well they have to change in some way... What kind of car does he drive, & do you like it? oh shit. lol I forgot... i haven't actually seen this new car, so i dont know if i like it, but probably, i'm not too picky. Does he have any piercings or tattoos? none Would he massage you if you asked him to? he has before. Do you think he'd die for you? I don't know. Pointless thinking that. Do you like being with this person? of course.

Pois é... não sei. As coisas ficam um pouco complicadas... Eu amo ele, muito, mas vai ser difícil. Acho que não vou poder ir pra lá em Dezembro. O pior é que eu não só acho, eu tenho 99% certeza... mas acontece que eu também não quero desistir da possibilidade. Então fico aqui... sem saber o que fazer. Não vou conseguir dizer não pra ele, mas sim... é mas impossivel ainda de dizer. Isso vai get inbetween us... e eu não sei o que fazer. Sem contar que essa distância mesmo em si é muito difícil. A gente não tem muito tempo pra conversar, com essa droga de diferença de horário! E agora? ... não sei. Só sei que amo ele muito, e vou tentar o máximo que puder.

I've been back home for almost 2 weeks. Canada was great. Amazing. Everyone was so nice. They all like me. Met Beth, she's great. Mike is still wonderful. And now I'm back home... and now already he wants me to go back. I don't know how to do it this time, and it's starting all over again. The pressure and the complications. Acho que vou ter um estágio esse semestre... but i'm not so keen on that, não é em publicidade e não é pago... so... why? Experiencia e oportunidade, I guess. Por outro lado acho que vou gostar do semestre. Even though it's the same old story. Eu, sozinha.

Have I mentioned.... THAT I AM GOING TO CANADA!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Meeting Beth. Seeing my boyfriend. Yipeeeeeee. 2 weeks. I AM HAPPY.

*sigh* I have so much work to do, but I'm useless. I don't know why I can't just sit down and get it all done. It's too hard. I start to not understand and I give up. I start to not know what to write and I give up. I hate this. I wish it were math. Random thought. But at least in math the answer is there somewhere, you just have to find it. And I don't know where he is. I texted him and he hasn't texted me back, or come online or anything. He can't possibly have been sleeping then. I just need to hear from him. I hate this. But I don't want to seem needy, and i'm assuming that if he hasn't replied my text it's because he can't. But that doesn't sound right. He's never not replied like this before. I'm sure it's no big deal, i'm not worried or anything... i just... need him right now. I hate feeling like this. I hate hating myself. I want my boyfriend...

I almost can't believe i've told mamãe that he's my boyfriend. And I've told papai that I want to go to Canada in August. And it may happen. May being the key word. What if I don't? I'm not sure what will happen. The thought of breaking up tears me apart because i'm scared i'll never see him again... I just... love him so much. I hate being in a relationship where it doesn't make sense to anyone. Just because of how we met, and how far away we are. And it bugs me that she was okay with Ross, but him... it's suddenly much less possible... stupid... so much MORE possible with him. Speaking of Ross, I had a dream where he called me. Weird. I kindof miss him, but at the same time... I don't.

I have a boyfriend. Right this minute, I'm scared that I'll change. I'm scared people will start looking at me differently. Sounds weird. Everyone's done this, now it's my turn. I suppose I'm most specifically worried about her. I'm afraid what she'll think of me, or worse - I'm afraid she'll step away from me. I don't want her to. But all in all... I have him. And that is amazing. I don't really think I ever thought this was possible like it has been. It felt so normal, natural, right. But when I think (or read) back in time... I realise I had absolutely no idea... and I never knew. I need this to work. I need it to work so badly. I love him so much. I hate the question. The question everyone asks. The one that derives from "Now what?"... "Are you going to visit him?"... and everything that follows from that. It's all up to me right now and that scares me. I feel like I am going to mess everything up. I can't do that. I wish I could be in his arms again. That always made sense in my mind. I have a boyfriend.

Someday, I'll be able to fill this out, and feel like I can fill it out properly. Name: Bia Age: 21 Location: Brazil What do you look like?: Like me. Name: Mike Age: 23 Location: Canada What do they look like?: pale, orange hair, and cute. When did you first meet? A few days after my birthday, 2005 How old were you both? 21, 22 How did you meet them? Beth introduced us on msn. What were your thoughts when you first met them? Fun, cocky, hmmm.... How did you feel? not impressed, but interested somehow Why did you feel that way?: because it was someone new From the beginning, did you know you would be with them? no. Why/Why not? Because I didn't think I could feel this way about him, and he's in Canada. Did you always want to kiss them, or grab their hand, and didn't have the courage to do it? I imagine that might happen. Has their appearance changed at all since you first met? Towards me, yes. Has their personality? Maybe What about the things you said or did? yes. When was your first kiss (if it's happened already)? hasn't happened. Describe it: -- When did you first make out (if it's happened already)? hasn't happened. Describe it: -- When did you first have sex (if it's happened already)? hasn't happened. Describe it: -- What was the best sex you've had with them? -- When they touch you, how do you feel? He doesn't even have to touch me to make me feel like i'm being touched. What about when you touch them? I can't wait. How do you feel when you have sex with them? -- Is there anything that you've done with them that you regret? No. What about them turns you on the most? The way he looks at me. What do they do that turns you on the most? Looks at me! And things he says... he has some good imagination. Do they have siblings? step siblings. If yes, do you like them? Don't know them. Do you like their parents?: I don't know them well enough. Do their parents like you?: I don't think they have anything against me. Do your siblings like them (if you have siblings)? They don't know about him. Yet. Do your parents like them? They don't know about him. Yet. Do your parents and/or siblings think you two are good for each other? -- Do they ever talk about your future together? Yes. Is it important for your family to like them? Yes. Is it important for their family to like you? Yes. Do you love them? I might. How do you know?: I feel it. Do they love you? He might. How do you know?: He's told me. When did you first realize you loved them?: i'm not sure Did you ever just want to tell them you loved them, but didn't? probably. If yes, why didn't you?: Because of our situation. When was the first time you told them? Over a week ago I think. Would you change anything about it? Well yes, I'd like him to be next to me. Do you regret telling them? No. Did you mean it when you told them?: I meant it under the circumstances, and he knows that. Do you still feel that way? Yes. Can you imagine yourself with them forever? Yes. Do you think you'll marry them? I find it hard to imagine great things like that happening to me... When was the first time you thought about marrying them? Probably when he first joked about it Would you propose to them?: Probably not. How would you do it?: I wouldn't. Have you thought about this before now? Sure. What would you want your wedding to be like?: I'd like there to be at least one wedding in Brazil, my family and friends all there... and yeah. Have you talked about this to them before?: Yes. Do you agree on how you'd want the wedding to be like? Seems like we might. Do you want kids with them? Maybe. Do you think you'd be good parents together? I never gave that much thought, but maybe. Do you think you'd be happy with them forever? Being happy forever is not very realistic, but I hope we could be as happy as possible. Do you think they are your soul mate? Soul mate.... i'm not sure. But I do think he's a perfect match for me. Do you think you were destined to be together? I have a hard time believing such great things can happen to me... Do you think there is anybody in this universe better for you than them?: No one i've met... he matches me very well. Do you think they could be a better boyfriend/girlfriend to you? Probably, but he's amazing as it is. Do you think they are the most beautiful person you've ever seen?: Inside, yes. Do you think they smell good?: I guess I'll find out. Do you think they are talented? In some areas. If so, in what ways? He's good with computer, and fixing things. What do you think when you look into their eyes? "Is this really happening" How often do you think about them? All the time. What do you think about? I can't believe this is happening. He really likes me. I'm going to meet him. What am i going to do. What if. Etc. What is your favorite memory with them? Just being intimate with him. What is the most romantic memory you have with them? Maybe when I tried to convince him i'm worth it. What memory with them makes you feel happy? So many. ...Angry?: When he was concerned about his safety coming here and wasn't listening to me. ...Sad? I'm not sure... ...Helpless? I'm not sure... ...Complete? When I realised I didn't regret something I thought I could have. ...Loved? When he looks at me and tells me. ...Unworthy?: He never makes me feel unworthy... What memories do you look forward to making with them?: "REAL" memories. What color best describes them? Blue? What is your favorite physical feature of theirs? His smile and his shoulders. Do they meet your needs? At this point as much as he can. If you could give them any gift, what would you give them?: He knows he can do whatever he wants... so I don't know... just the gift of happiness? If you could tell them anything right now, what would you tell them?: It's all worth it. If you could promise them anything, what would it be?: I'll never forget any second of this. What would you like to be doing with them right now? Just having him in front of me, in person, would be a start. What would be your idea of the perfect day together? Laughing, us both feeling comfortable. What songs remind you of them? So many songs actually... What is your favorite day that you've spent together?: I'm not sure... we have yet to really spend a day together. What is your favorite article of clothing that they wear? Not sure, but I like the shirt he was wearing before yesterday. What about them makes you feel like the luckiest person alive?: The way he treats me. Do you regret anything with them?: No. How do you feel when you hold them?... What is your favorite way to hold them? ... How do you like them to hold you? ... Do you write poems for them? no. Do they write them for you? no. If you could dedicate any song to them, what would it be? Not sure. If they broke up with you tomorrow, how would you feel? Very confused. Have they ever made you cry? yes. Have they ever made you so happy that you cried?: yes. Have they ever made you feel so loved that you thought your heart would explode? pretty much. Is your world complete with them in it? sure. What's your favorite movie that you've seen together?: we have yet to do that. Do you save things from your relationship?: yes. If yes, what have you saved so far?: Everything. Do they make things for you?: Not usually, but he has. How does it make you feel when they do things for you?: That i'm worth it, and that it can happen. Do you think you make a good couple?: yes. Would you give up your relationship for anybody or anything?: Not right now. What is the most important thing to you about your relationship?: respect and understanding. What makes your relationship work so well?: We listen to each other, and we try and understand. What makes you think that they're the right one for you?: It feels right, and everything he says makes sense. Are you happier than you've ever been before?: I'm very happy. Do they know more about you than anybody?: Not sure about "anybody", but he knows a lot about me. Do they share secrets with you?: Yes. What is something you'd like for them to know? I think I've already told him everything I want him to know. What do you honestly think of them? I get nervous worrying if we won't work out, because I've never met anyone more perfect for me before, and if that doesn't work, I just don't know. What do you honestly think of your relationship?: It's complicated, the situation is horrible, but I think we deal with it pretty well, at least up until now we have.

Sometimes I forget about this place. It's funny, it used to be the place I wrote about every moment. Kindof like my handwritten journal. But lately, these past few months, I haven't been doing much of that. Sometimes i'll remember and a moment will be marked. But it's different. I think that's a good thing. So, he's bought his ticket. He's booked his hotel. He has his passport. He's sent the Visa stuff, and is now waiting. He's really coming. I still don't know how I'm going to pull it off. Sometimes I just get really excited. I start to dream about the most simplest things. Things i've never experienced. Just him being here. Being able to talk to him. Just being able to be with him. But I worry. I still worry. So much. I thought it was getting better, and in a way it was. But in another, I just don't know. The truth is, this is really hard. I've always believed that sometimes "love isn't enough". And... this isn't even love. Is it? But on the other hand, I just have to see. I can worry about that part later. I hate being so far away. But worst of all, I hate that I don't have much of a life here. I wish I were still living somewhere else. What if this isn't good for me? It doesn't matter. want him. Sometimes I wonder what the point of writing in here is if no one is reading.

It's all fucked up. I feel like crying. This is a mess. This is wrong. How can I have anything with him if there's this huge border between us. Will there always be something like this between me and the guy I want to be with? Am I really that spoiled? Or am I just different. Everyone's experienced in their own ways I suppose, this is mine. I know what's out there, more or less. I've never been to Africa, or Japan or Russia, or Australia or... it goes on. But I've never spent my life stuck in one place. I have an open mind. I can't accept it that he can't accept it. Why can't he see what others see? And the fucked up thing about all this is that despite that, he's still willing to come all the way here just for me. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is too hard. Things like this don't work. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I'm getting into. I don't care. I like him. A lot. Right now, I just want to meet him. And it might happen. It should. Right now he's worried about things here. But oh well. We'll get past this.

So, i'm defenetly done with him. Just hoping it's not a momentary thing, but those are my thoughts. He's back, and things between us have been both okay and rocky. Got annoyed with him for "little things". In the end, that's it. He's just going to be him, over there. I know what's what now though. And i'll be okay with that. I just don't need to go there again. On a completly different leaf... there's him. *sigh*. I like this one. He treats me so perfectly. He makes me feel so special. I can't write about him. I can barely even talk about him. It's kindof nice though. It's just between us. I like it. He bought a webcam so i could see him. Talking to him has become better and better. Reaching an understandment, and even just understanding him better. I know it probably won't ever go anywhere... but... why can't I just enjoy this moment. And... there's something different. Some sort of commitment of his to me, even though he knows I can't make the same one. =) Anyway, yes... that's it. Christmas coming up. Yay.

Mariana is gone. And of course the mood goes down. I miss her. He's on my fucking mind again. Why the fuck did he leave me a picture of himself in a comment to me. It's not even like seeing him does something to me... it's just ... the fact that he left me a picture. What the heck does he want? Why doesn't he just let me go. Forget about me? Why do i feel like i'm being pulled by some rope. Like whenever it doesn't work out with Gretchen he'll just be close again. I'm tired of it. I really really am. I feel like not going anywhere. Not doing anything. With him. What's the point? What's been the point of the past 3 years and a half? The friendship? Fuck it. I'm very thankfull for it and all, but im tired. I just want to get over him. I wish Douglas really was attracted to me, and hitting on me and asking me out, just so i could throw it in his face. I want to say "You've lost me." "I'm gone". I want him to beg. I want him to ask me for once. Be fucking honest? I'm better looking than him. I've got more going than he does, more time. My family and friends are better. I speak 4 languages and a half. I've seen double the double of the world more than he has. I'm just Tired. I want to remember this moment. So here it is. I hate wanting to be angry at him but not being able to...