I am going to post the entry i made on Bloop a few days ago. It says a lot. I hate it that sometimes when I sit down to study about a million different random thoughts come to my mind. And that's when you came in. I went back and read all of the recent emails you've sent me. I don't know why. Maybe i was looking for some sign, maybe i was trying to find some other message I hadn't seen before. I keep wanting to hate you, i keep wanting to find something you did wrong... but i can't. This time, you don't seem to have done anything wrong. There's nothing i can find to complain about. All the other times... i was convinced you didn't really care too much about me. I was convinced that i was just an "inbetween" for you. This time, i'm not. I thought that was a good thing... but i'm not sure it is. The first thought that entered my mind after what you told me sunk in was that you were going to pull away from me. Like you always do, understandably. But right now... i've just realised... I think I might be the one to pull away. Not completly, obviously, i simply can't do that. Been there, tried that. lol But I don't know... i feel like i need to put some sort of a mask on for you now. I hate it. You're like a best friend for me. I don't want to lose that. It's stupid, but i don't need to be with you... i just need you to be single. That sounds horribly selfish, i know... and I don't really mean it. I do just want you to be happy... Timz told me i should (or well, "could") talk to you about my feelings. But I can't. That's the one thing I can't do right now. I need to shut up, and just let you get a chance at happiness. I wish I could though... i wish i could tell you, and have it all just stop. Actually, i wish i could just stand right in front of you, and have a real conversation. That's all it would take. A conversation with you in person would resolve so much for me. When I was babbling to Timz about stuff... i was telling her... that it's funny, because just a few days before you told me i was looking at your pictures on here... and i was thinking to myself... that physically, i'm not that attracted to you. If you walked past me, i probably wouldn't have a second look. Not to say i'm unattracted... but i'm just not attracted. However... i'm attracted to you in about any other way possible. It's little things about you. It's not even things I can define as saying "i like him because of this"... its not just one thing... its little things I suppose. I don't know that if i met you in person I'd feel the same way. I have absolutely no idea. I go back and forth between the extremes... but I think you know that... I know you so well. I'm not sure if you know how well i know you, i'm not even sure if I do. Of course, there's a lot about you that i don't know... but I do know you enough. I know what the next thing you'll say is, i know how you react to things, i know what makes you laugh, i know what irritates you, i just know. And you know some about me too. I just don't want to lose our friendship. I don't want it to get weird. I know that we won't really "lose" our friendship... but i just... i guess i just want it to stay the same. But that's impossible, right... I remember years ago, when you were with Emma, i have no idea why, but we talked on the phone... i remember talking to you in my room. I don't remember all our phone conversations well, but that's one of the ones I remember. I remember hearing your voice, and i could tell it was different. I could tell you felt weird talking to me. Maybe you felt like you were hurting me... i don't know. I was trying to pass it on to you that i was alright. Are we ever going to get a chance? But i mean, just a chance to meet. You're never going to come see me, you just aren't. I know that it's not because you don't want to... but i just know that you never will. I wonder, if you also feel like this year we've gotten the closest ever. I don't feel like going through everything again. I'm tired of the ups and downs. Eu só quero poder te mostrar... que eu posso ser amazing. Você aprenderia tanto comigo... e eu com você. Essa connection não vai embora. Ela muda, ela some, mas ela está always here... Eu odeio this situation. Eu quero tentar me afastar... but i shouldn't do that. But what am i supposed to do? Tell me exactly what to do... porfavor... Se vc ver isso... eu não sei o que eu faço... i'll regret it... i know i will... Was it really easier the other times? In some ways yes, in others not. I feel like i was falling apart more the other times. I'm fine now... i really am (despite this whole entry and whatever else) but then... the other times, i felt like i could hate you, i felt like i could point at things and say he did this. This time, i feel like you're my best friend. You know something i've always wondered... it's funny, because i've asked you millions of times before how you feel about me and such things... but i want to know what type of a friend i am to you. And i know you have kindof told me. I mean, i know i'm a good friend. But would you call me one of your best friends? Puts.... vc não vai nunca ver isso... if you do... then you're probably going to be going back a few entries... and why would you do that? Is it curiosity, or is it because you really want to know how i am? Eu só quero uma chance... He emailed me... and i haven't replied yet. I don't know what to say. I simply don't. I know what i should say, and i know what i feel like saying... but I can't seem to go through with either of those. Both of them suck. Both of them will make me feel like crap. I won't like his reaction to either of them... so... I'm doing neither. Only... that isn't the best solution either. I'm pulling away. I should not be doing that... I wish he'd notice and tell me to stop. I don't want to move away from the closeness that has been our friendship lately. This girl is not right for him. At first, i thought she's great, she has everything, she can't be bad for him... but... i don't know... something about his last email. Just no. Oh well. Part jealousy i suppose. *sigh* I should go to bed...