Thats life - or not. | international

Thats life - or not.

by international on November 30th 2003, 12:00AM

Listening to: radio

Feeling: listless

Bloop's not working. I wrote an entry for there, but i don't feel like posting it here. I'll post it there when it's back. And i'll just write here now. I've been feeling odd all day today. I guess it all started yesterday... then i dreamt and it was disturbing. Guess sometimes i just hate being me. I just sometimes wonder who "me" is. It seems like even my friends don't know me. I'm tired of being called the shy quiet one, and being told to speak up, or be myself more. What if this is me? But that's all crap i guess... i know there's more to me... i just don't know where it is. I wish i could write I'm feeling slightly better now but still don't know. It's 5am And i'm still on the computer. No one's even online. I'm just talking to Lucas. It was quite nice he put up with hearing me go on and on about myself and what's been bothering me. I guess he is one of the select few who can get a bit closer to understanding. Not that he does understand, but he listens, and shares or whatever don't know just helps i guess, to let it out and not get annoyed ... or get "awwed" at so much. Now... i don't know... the conversation has taken a turn. Probably my fault again. I should seriously stay away from guys, or people even, online. *shrugs* I want to be loved. Actually, not even loved, just liked. But i don't even like anyone. If i at least had a crush that would help. =/ I don't Want to be liked by guys online though. No way. I'm glad Alex disapeared a bit. Good thing. yep. I just can't deal with that. Alex was enough to make me feel like crap and drive me insane... and Ross was just totally... wrong. hmm... yeah. Tomorrow is a holiday. No idea what... but some holiday... that's all that matters lol no school. I just feel so lonely. I want to be hugged. I want more. It's all so wrong. I talked to my cousin, Mariana, today online. It was so cool. I got icq again just to talk to her. She was at her dad's. Made me excited to see her when i go to Brazil! Though she said her mom (my aunt) said that this year she (Mariana) couldn't stay over with us at my grandparents's house cause we'd all grown up and was too much trouble for my grandma. See, every year when we go to Brazil Mariana comes to stay with us at my grandparents... just so we can stay together... she's been doing that for years... since she and we, were small... but now she's 14... *shrugs* I still believe my aunt will change her mind though lol My mom will help convince her ;) It's tradition that Mariana comes over. =) Something else... I never know what to say... I'm not going to write about this here. I can't. And i shouldn't. I can't even think about it. Will just have to stay inside. Anyway, that's all. doubt anyone will read this anyway... but byebye...

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