They've got a lot of moods on here. However it's the second time i wanted one they didn't have. It's ok though, both times i found one that fit perfectly too.
Bloop isn't working again, so i'll just be letting my thoughts out here. It's annoying because no one reads it... but on the other hand i like it... there's some sort of freedom here... not that i can't write about it at bloop, but just cause i guess i feel like here i'm writing more for myself, which is what it should be.
So today was a better day... classes were extremely boring and sleepy but i went to them all and survived. They're a distraction i guess. But then you get back and it all comes flooding back. I'm upset at Ross again, but i won't write about it. There's not point. And rambling about it to Lucas Was enough to get me more upset.
I think i wasn't made to have guy friends. I mean, what better proof could i have? Lets see... real life? Oh yeah, i'm too fucking shy to get remotly "close" to any of them. So that's easy out. Then online? Sure everything's easier. But lets just have a look through my guy friends i've met online and talked enough to. First, there was Alex... the first one.. major mess up there... got into things with him without realising what i was doing. I guess i fucked him up and whatever else... basic bottom line: we barely talk anymore (about once every 3 months or so) yet everytime he tells me he likes me, and originally the reason why he stopped coming online. see why i fucked him up? Yes... moving on. Then there was Imz sometimes i don't know what to think of Imz... he's a quite one... and its weird how we got along... but he did open up quite a lot... and often had told me i'm special to him and im one of the few people he can open up to. Yet he's so quiet. Yes, there was the one time he told me he'd had some sort of feelings from me... even Imz damnit! But he told me after they weren't there, and luckily so far i think out of the ones that have said that he's the one with who that least affected our friendship. Just i think it was around the time when he got with Nat we stopped talking... i wasn't talking to Nat at then and i dunno... now we barely talk though most of the time puts a small smile on my face when we do. I know he's a friend to keep who will always be there. Then... there was Ross... that's one big story we don't want to get into... we had an amazing friendship... and eventually he told me he liked me too and that night i couldn't help myself. I guess i didn't feel like fucking things up... (though i guess the way i took probably fucked it up more) and i wanted to give myself a try... i told him i liked him too. That led to a few months, almost 6, of us acting like we were together... even though he was in England and i was in Portugal. But obviously we've got same ideas so we never let it get offical. I am proud of myself for making it that way... becuase one day he did kinda ask. Anyway... in the end we both agreed it was silly and just not right and now we're good friends... which is perfect... just not the best when i get annoyed at him for certain reasons... but lets not get into that now. Then there was Pez, the only one that didn't tell me he liked me. lol But he's older and has a fiancee ;) however don't think its all wonderfullness because of this. Hell it's possibly the worst. He drives me insane and i drive him insane... we're like cats and dogs who get along at times lol. Now Lucas... don't know what to say. I just don't want to fuck up another friendship because of my depressive conversations and fucked up ways. It's useless though. I can't even stop it. And even if i tried stopping it would probably make things worse. *shrugs* I just hate how these friendships mess with me... I should just stop them... get away... if only it were that easy...
On another note I talked to Timz today, which as always puts a smile on my face. :) She says if we ever get to live close (as we're both kinda trying to go to the US, though we'll probably end up far if we both even go) she'll cure my shyness. lol She's the only one who can get away with saying that to me.
Tomorrow is a calmer day... hopefully will sleep in a bit as im tired and woke up early today and aparently am going to bed late =P but then Ross wanted to talk in the morning.. *shrugs*I can't wait to go to Brazil!!!!!!
(gotta end with a good note ;))
