I feel... worn out right now. Yeah, I allowed myself to believe. I won't be going to Canada in Feb. I won't be seeing Mike. And worse, I'm going to have to tell him this. Telling him this last time was hard enough. Now I have to do it again? Right after we almost broke up. I can't do it. But I can't not do it. He thinks he needs to see me more than I need to see him. He may be right... but I do need to see him too. And... now I feel horrible. I don't want to talk to him but I really need to talk to him. I need him right now... but he won't be able to be there for me, because he will be hurting too. What if he can't wait until April. Taking his money is just completly out of the question. Especially right now. I can't do it. I'll go crazy if that's what ends our relationship... but... I still can't do it. All I can do is sit here and be sad, and bored... and longing for him. Why did I let myself believe it. And why did I tell him everything today? If only I had held on. But I couldn't do that anyway, i'm too honest with him to keep something like this from him. I'm crying now.