i wish i had someone i could talk to. well...i guess i really don't. i mean, i have friends i can talk to. i just wish i knew how to. i wish i could just like, shut off my brain for a while, and let my heart do the talking. it has quite a bit to say... i wish i could tell someone how i feel. kylie knows bits and pieces of it, bobby knows parts of it, and jenni knows the most...but still not enough. i keep catching myself crying. well, not really crying...just, every once in a while, i'll notice a tear running down my face. but then, i wipe it away before anyone can see it. i wish i could just go to someone, and just break down, and have it be totally okay. i know it wouldn't accomplish anything, but it would make me feel infinitely better than i do right now. but there is no one... kylie is too far away, and even if i did go to her, i would hate myself for falling apart in front of her...she doesn't need that, and i don't know that i want her to see that side of me...she told me i was her hero today... that, and she'd feel guilty, i know she would. she would think it was her fault, and its not, really, its everything... its not your fault kylie...i was already dead when you found me... and bobby, i'd feel bad falling apart in front of him too, because i know it makes him feel awkward because he can't help. but honestly, when i'm falling apart, there isn't anything anyone can do... and jenni...well...jenni lives like, 3000 miles away. and she really isn't the kind of friend you can cry around...mostly because she starts talking and then you start laughing and forget you were ever sad in the first place. i just keep trying to tell myself that its only for another month, i just have to hang on for one more month, and then thing will get better. i'm not saying i expect everything to be perfect. i know it won't be. and i know i'm probably still going to be sad alot. but everything will just be so much...easier. more managable, more tolerable. things are always easier to face when you're facing them with someone else...especially when it's your best friend. i just wish the month between now and then would be easier. seriously...don't i ever get a fucking break?!?! what the fuck is this? kim told me last night that she didn't love me anymore...she loves her new boyfriend, and i mean nothing to her anymore...she just didn't know how to tell me because she "didn't want to hurt me". ...really sidestepped that landmine, now didn't we? and kylie...i talked to her today... basically, she does care about me, alot. but she's in love with her ex...and she wants her back... which, i can understand, i mean, her ex isn't like mine. her ex is nice, and treats her well, and makes her happy...and she loves her. if i had someone like that, i'd probably want to go back to them too...hell, kim is nothing like that, and i'd go back to her if i had the chance. still... i'm not upset with kylie about this, not at all. i completely understand where she's coming from. but at the same time...it does hurt... and i can't tell her that, because she'd feel all guilty and it would make her sad and i don't want her to cry again because of me... and barry. argh. i hate how he just like, doesn't care anymore, at all. he lied to me on tuesday so he wouldn't have to admit that he was blowing me off yet again for joe and sara. ...i hate this. i hate how everyone is like, slipping away. i hate how i can't help but not care. in another month, i won't have to care anymore. it'll be okay to just let everyone slip away, because then i won't have to pretend that everythings okay even when they hurt me. i won't have to pretend anymore that my heart isn't just a black hole. i won't have to pretend to care about anyone anymore. ...i hate that i just said that. i hate that i can't seem to care at all anymore, and when i do manage to, it only hurts me even more... i hate how i have horrible timing for everything.