hmm. so i have 3 websites to update, since i haven't in like, years. ughhhhhh i so don't want to be doing this. but i should. but i don't wanna. damnit, i'm allowed to be stubborn every now and then. ... ... ... ugh, fine. i got really really angry at myself today. so then i smoked until it hurt. it was just that kinda day i guess. i realized earlier that some people, no matter how much you might wish for it, will never change. and other people, on the opposite side of that spectrum, will change immensely...maybe even more than they ever wanted to. yeah... i've been realizing a lot of changes within myself lately. more than i'd like, to be sure. i don't think i like the person i'm becoming. but i'm not sure how to dig myself out of this hole i've dived headfirst into. the urge to run away is so strong right now... i keep telling myself it's only a few months more, it's only time, it's only distance. but nothing...i just want to run. i've realized that i'm learning to toy with people's hearts. people have been doing it to me for so long, i guess it only makes sense that i've picked up a few bad habits along the way. still...i now realize what i'm doing to myself (and to them). but...i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do about it now, you know? basically...heh, well, i guess there is nothing basic about this huh? in a nutshell, then. person A. the person i'd like to be with...and who doesn't really want to be with me. and even if they did, i'm not so sure i'd want to be with them anymore. i mean, i want to be with them, i really really do... but. i don't want to willingly put myself into a position i've spent the last year struggling to get out of. it's complicated. person B. this person wants to be with me. and i guess i'd be okay with it...but i'm afraid. afraid of them. afraid of what being with them would entail. and i don't want to risk my fear screwing things up with them. i'd be okay if that happened, but...i'm not so sure they would. and this person is willing to sacrifice a lot for me, and i know they'd do it too, it isn't all just empty promises. but i'd hate myself if i wasn't willing to give everything that they'd lose because of me back into the relationship and more. but at the same time, if i decide not to have a relationship with them, i could lose them forever...it's kind of a 'now or never' deal. thing is, i'm not ready for now =/ it's complicated. then, there's this OTHER person... Person C. they want to be with me. i have no interest whatsoever in being with them. i've told them this before. they knew this. only now, because of person B, this person is thinking "hey, maybe now that person B has opened the doors, i can run through them and find my way into her heart" kind of deal. i still have no interest whatsoever in them. but i don't want to hurt them =/ we've become close. closer than most of my friends manage to get to me. i can tell this person things i can't really tell anyone else. but how do i tell them that that's all i want without them being hurt? hey're waiting around for me to change my mind, and i'm never going to. and it kills me, because this person is a total sweethart, and could and would treat me better than most. it just...isn't there. it's complicated. i kinda sorta might have maybe definetely made-out with a super cute girl today...she was biting my neck. i hated loved it. she's...had my attention for a long time, actually. since september, i think. our paths just never crossed, until lately. i think i might be crushing on her. i also think i'd have no chance. and if i did, i'm not so sure i'd want to take it. because i don't really know if i like her, or just the ideas she could represent for me... it's complicated.