So i stopped using my sitdiary ages ago. a lot of shits changed. it's whatever though. I started writing a book. I used to think it would have a happy ending...now i'm not so sure. so i'm going to keep up with it and see where it goes. it's pretty much a recount of the daily shit that goes on. i think i'm going to start using this for parts of it. no one really keeps tabs on me anymore anyway, and the whole pen and paper thing is getting old. The book started out as me and my best friend writing down the shit we did so we'd remember the details of our day when we were sober at some point. then it grew to something else...and now, i kinda feel like it's one of about 3 thin strands that are keeping me grounded. it's a gift and a curse...they're keeping me from drifting away, but at the same time, they're tying me down. everyone who is a part of my life will probably present themselves at some point in this story. Me and my best friend who is helping me recount these stories decided that everyone's names must be changed. so if you run into some off names, they all have a story. maybe I'll make a listing of some of the better ones. not that i think many people will stumble across this. or read it if they do. but it's whatever. I'm only writing on here so it's easier to keep track of shit. I tried tripping today. but i ended up just passing out. i guess that happens sometimes. whatever. i still felt like i was waking up to a new world. you know when you watch movies how sometimes there's parts when the main character will walk into a store and it'll be all bright and the walls are too white and it's almost awkward? whenever i trip i get that feeling that they're conveying in those scenes. every time i go inside lights are too bright and everythings too clean and the walls are too close, and it's awkward. i don't know how else to explain it. did you know that when you're typing on a cellphone keypad using that T9 bullshit, the words often and never are only one number apart? it's kind of ironic. I've really done a number on my mind in the past couple of months. i had a revelation that i don't know how to be in love without drugs. maybe i'll try it sometime. well, the problem isn't really the relationships themselves...well, i suppose it is, but let's not go into that. the problem is, i don't know how to go back to being sober and happy. i've never done it. i started smoking weed after Konstantine, and just never went back to the sober life, haha. I've been a pothead ever since, with an arrest on my record to prove it. Then when Ophelia and i were done, i started experimenting with L. It's the age old question that constantly presents itself. How far are you willing to take this? how far is this going to go? I started dropping L so i could forget about her. and it's worked, to an extent. i still remember. i still feel her there sometimes. everything still hurts. but when i think about us...it's like a movie that i only saw a few times and haven't watched in ages. only i kind of have a thing against this movie. i didn't like it, it made me bitter with life afterwards. so because i've written it off as a sucky movie, i've forgotten a lot of the good parts. so now all that's really left in my mind are the bad parts. only, i can't dwell on the bad. it'll just make me get angry and frustrated and i'll end up getting stuck, more so than i already am. so i just try not to think about her. it worked for a while... then i met blu. but that's another story. i don't really know how I got here in the first place. see what i mean about doing a number on my mind? I've done well in forgetting...but she seems to be taking a piece of my mind with her. I've been doing that thing a lot more lately where i'll get paranoid and hide my shit from the world and then i'll forget where i put it. it's a spiral and i know i'm doing it, but i can't stop it. it's so frustrating. my head hurts from thinking too hard. the government has this way of looking at people who have tripped like we're all raving lunatics. i don't think it's entirely true. i think acid has a bad rep. yes, it does change you forever. once you trip on LSD your mind will never be the same. and yes, it is dangerous. it can turn you into orange juice and grapefruits and jocelyn. But in small doese, i don't think it's a bad thing. acid is what some people call a "mind expanding drug". on a normal day, you use about 10 percent of your brain. on acid, you use a lot more. a good friend of mine once told me that if i was ever going to do a drug once that wasn't weed, to do acid once, because after that, thew world makes so much more sense. which, it does. it takes it's toll on you, but really, you're giving up a piece of yourself to become part of something much greater. Acid will open up a whole new world to you, literally. that's how Vegas and i describe it to people who don't understand tripping. there's the acid world, and there's sober world. it has it's own people, just like any country does, and it's own culture (including music), and...atmosphere? idk. it's hard to explain this place to anyone who hasn't been there. Vegas and i spent 3 months in sober world after our first time tripping. when we finally did again, it was like waking up from a 3 month long coma. we woke up in a totally different place. so long as you don't fuck with it...Acid is a beautiful drug. but it's whatever. who cares what i think about it, i'm just a raving lunatic anyway...right?