so dave asked me on another "date", lol. he wants us to get stoned and go see Reno 911 the movie. hey, i'm good with that. meanwhile... honesty time! i'm in a bit of a pickle. you see... i...jordan. i don't really know which word to put in between. I love, like, loathe, regret, want, need, miss, dream about, wish for her. all are true...yet none seem to fit. i think i'm falling for her :/ i know i can't be. I know she'll hurt me. Hell, she already has. But i can't help it. this feeling...it won't go away. it's as strong now as it ever was. even after everything... basically. I'm afraid this is going to end up coming down to what i want...and what i know is right for me. what will make me happy. dave is...crazy. and awesome. and fun. and a total jerk (in a good way). and he makes me smile. and jordan? she is my beautiful disaster. she is killing me softly, you could say. she's never going to want to be with me. there will ALWAYS be something/someone else in the way of that. i know that. but at the same time...i refuse to accept it. i don't know how long i'll be able to hold out for her...or even why i'm holding out. she doesn't love me. she's never going to want me. I'll never be with her. She's only going to break my heart. so why isn't my heart listening to what i know in my mind is right? she's supposed to spend a night soon. idk if it's a good idea or not. when i'm with her, it's like...it's like nothing i've ever felt before. i feel like i can fly, like she'll pick me up high enough that i can reach the stars. she always knows just the right thing to say. problem is... i don't know how many other people she's saying those exact same words to. or if [and when] she might leave me for those other people. or if she doesn't leave me...what then? what are we? what will we be? the other jordan dumped me because, in her words "you can't have both of us Brandi" so i told her that if i couldn't have both, neither could she. sooo now big jordan has both of us. i figure this could go on for quite a while, until a) big jordan picks one of us and drops the other (and if that happens...i most likely will be the latter) b)little jordan gets sick of the standstill, and tells big jordan to ditch me. if that doesn't work, she'll probably dump jordan, just like she did me c) i give up on jordan, forget my feelings, and pretend to be happy for her when she ends up with my ex best friend. d)little jordan gives up, and "lets me" have big jordan, which is unlikely to happen. and even if it did...i'm not sure i'd want to be with jordan, at that point. not if i'm going to be second best. i might be stooping low in all of this bullshit, but i do have some pride. so, i guess i'd better settle in and hang on...this promises to be a long ride, and things could get messy :/