"If you could have one person in your bed tonight, who would it be?" i found that in a survey tonight. its such a profound question...and so many possible answers. and yet, none of them could ever be completely truthful. i'll do my best. first off, you have to consider how you want to interpret the question. to have someone in my bed, just to spend a wild night with them and have that be the end? easy. mila jovovitch and/or kate bekinsale. duh. i think thats the kind of answer the survey was really looking for. but in reality, there's so much more it could say...in fact, i can probably run through every one of my close friends, and then some, and give reason for wanting them in my bed. Jenni - if she was in my bed, it would mean she'd be here, with me. which would mean falling asleep with her tonight, and waking up in the morning to find her here. which means i would be happy. my world always seems 10 shades brighter when she's in it. and anyone who has met her knows exactly the feeling i'm talking about. and anyone who hasn't? you're missing out. she really and truly is, has been, and will remain always, my best friend =] so yes, i would love it if she were in my bed, and sometimes, i can't think of anyone else i'd rather spend time with. Barry - i would love it if he was in my bed tonight. because i know that he and i could fall asleep in each others arms...and i could be reminded that unconditional love is still possible. even for me. i always feel safe when i'm with him. even if my entire world came crashing in on top of me (which it very nearly has, it seems) i know if i was with him, he could hold me and protect me, and when i did get hurt, he would stay with me, until i was healed enough to get out of bed and stand on my own. also, if he was here, it would mean that i could protect him...because everyone has demons to fight, and i know that his have a habit of finding him in the night. but if he was here, i could take care of him and make sure they didn't hurt him. because no one and nothing's allowed to hurt my barry. not on my watch anyway :] so yes, there are nights when i wish more than anything that he was beside me, because i know with him, i'm always safe, no matter what might try to come for me in the night. Kim - if she was in my bed...it would mean she was here. i mean, i haven't seen her in a year and a half, almost. it'd be amazing to see her. to spend a night next to her. to hold her close to me, feel her heartbeat...i'm gonna cut this short. but at the same time, i'm not sure what her being here would entail. so i know i'd be dwelling on that, at least some of the time. particularly, after she fell asleep. she always fell asleep first...and i always ended up lying awake, at least for a little while. thinking...wondering... and missing her. i missed her, even when she was here. because even when she was here, it never really felt like she was actually with me. i guess that's mostly my fault. i never seemed to be able to convince myself that she was here...because even when she was, i knew it wouldn't be long before she left, ahgain. and then i'd be alone...again. so would a night here just be a night? would she be gone in the morning? if that's the case...i'm not so sure i'd want it. it's the same reason i've semi-avoided seeing her for the past year. one night of happiness...traded for months of wondering. months of wishes. months of false hopes. and for what? would we ever have anytheing again? or would it be just another let-down? because i'll tell you...i've had enough of those in the last year alone to last me a lifetime. so i'd like to avoid running into anymore, if i can help it. but if she was here for the night...and the morning...and the next night...and for nights to follow...with no end in sight? i don't think there's anyone i'd rather walk upstairs and find in my bed. and it breaks my heart to admit it, because i know that it's percent likely to NEVER happen... :/ jordan - not going to lie. i would love for her to be here, with me, tonight. i would love to go upstairs and crawl into my bed, and find her next to me. probably as much as i'd love finding the others up there. but at the same time... i don't think it's what she wants. and it sucks, in all honesty. because... "there's no place else i could be, but here, in your arms." at least, there are very few places i'd rather be. if she was here, i'd want her to really be HERE. physically, mentally. i'd want her to be with me, because there's no place else she'd rather be. and right now...i don't think that's true. i'm starting to wonder if it ever could be :/ i think i might really be falling for her... as hard as i've tried not to. and i don't need any more let downs. i don't need anymore "could bes" or "what-ifs" i need something...real. someone who's always going to be there. someone who would never dream of moving on and leaving me behind, no matter what. i'm not saying i want a marriage...i just want a friend. maybe more, maybe not. maybe more now, maybe not later. i don't care. i just...need to know that i have a place. a place i can always go to. a place in their heart. i'm tired of sleeping with ghosts. i meant to go through this with all of my friends. but it became a lot longer, alot more in-depth, and a lot more time consuming than i intended. maybe i'll finish it. maybe i've said all i needed to say. i don't know anymore. and it scares me. goodnight everyone.