i'm not happy. tonight was my awakening, i guess. i'm not happy. i haven't been for years. and i'm getting desperate. i'm searching vainly for something, anything. something i can cling to, and present to myself as an excuse to hang on. i want so badly for someone to care and yet i'm pushing away anyone and everyone who tries to. i scream for my friends as i fight them off. and i'm hurting them. that isn't what i wanted. in fact, that was the last thing i ever wanted. but it happened. and i don't know how i can change it...except to change myself. i don't know anymore. i think i need to just disappear for a while. i'd rather hurt them because i care then have them think i don't, and hurt them in that way. i'm sorry...