my eyes burn with tears of regret, as i sit here writing this. i can't even type right, i can't concentrate. what i can focus myself enough to type still comes out wrong, i can barely feel the keys to type, my fingers have gone so numb. it's beyond cold, i've been sitting here freezing for the past 3 hours...but i feel like i deserve it. what the hell am i doing? where am i going? my parents tell me i'll never get anywhere. i'm never going to be completely over her. and i'll never be the same because of it. i can never go back. he's never coming back. it hurt more than any pain I've ever known, to lose him... and I'll never be the same again because of that. i'm never going to find what i'm looking for. you and i will never be together. but i'll never forget what we've had. and i'll never be the same again because of you. i'll never forget what it felt like when you hurt me and I'll never, ever, be the same for it. so now...i guess i'm just waiting for never. i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want to cry, to fall apart inside while trying to keep on a brave face outside. i don't want to miss you anymore. for the first time since kim and i broke up...i find myself in a situation i never dreamed i'd be in again. i don't want a relationship right now, with anyone. i just want someone to be there for my own selfish reasons. i just want someone to care about me, no matter what i do or how badly i mess up. i just want someone to hold me, through those long, lonely nights. i just want someone to be there to catch me when i fall. because i'm going to fall. it's only a matter of time. and it scares the hell out of me...because the last time i fell, i landed hard. and it took me a long time to pull myself out of that deep, dark hole i dug myself into. i don't want things to be like this anymore. i don't want to be in the dark again. i never meant for all of this to happen. i never meant to give up. i didn't want to lose her. i never meant for this to happen. i didn't mean to kiss her. i didn't mean for everyone to hate her. i didn't mean to push him into the position he now finds himself in. i didn't mean to hurt her the way i have...i didn't mean for things to progress as far as they have. i didn't mean to push everyone away. this is me, baring my soul to the world. sad part is...i've kept everyone in the dark for so long that i bet no one will even understand any of this...because i've taken so much care to keep the real me hidden, locked away in the depths of my mind. I'm sorry. i don't know what else to say right now, except that i'm sorry. please, forgive me. i won't beg you for it...but i...i think need you right now, so much. i'm afraid i might be falling apart...and i don't know if i can pull myself back together this time around. I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in, and if you do not want to see me again ...i would understand. i've been thinking alot lately, about how easy it would be to just...give up. and to be honest, the idea is so appealing right now that it scares the hell out of me. and there's only one thing keeping me sane. i don't know what i want. all i know is... this isn't it.