so this has been a long time coming. buuut i've been lazy. and not too willing to write this. but there's a time for everything i guess. so...yeah. hi? hi. yeah...i really don't want to go into this. but i really feel like i should. so christmas was fun. i spent some time away, with my family. i really didn't want to go until i was actually in the car, on the way there...then i realized how much i needed a vacation. sooo i got one. it worked out. okay, no more avoidence? everything is so up in the air right now. i'm not really sure where i stand on...well, anything really. first, there's college...fuck. i don't even want to think about it right now. i don't know if i want to stay here, if i want to go to south carolina like my family wants...if i wanna just say "fuck it" and go far, far away from everything. and if i do stay here for college, my parents might be moving, and if they do it'd be probably by the end of summer, which would mean i'd have to move out and readjust anyway...which i'm not ready for :[ i love my house, finally, i don't wanna lose my closet, and my room, and we haven't even finished the downstairs... and i don't know if i want to do the whole dorm/roomate/campus living thing. but if my parents leave, i don't have much choice. i mean, i know i have friends i could stay with, but i wouldn't want to be a burden. and living with a friend the whole or even part of the time i'm in college? could be years. thats a long time, and its kind of intrusive, even if they pretty much are family. and i don't want my parents to be halfway across the world :/ what if i need them? and who am i supposed to run to if i get sick? ...i've kinda gotten involved with someone from the past. ish. you could say. we aren't 'together' right now, but at the same time, i don't really want to be with anyone else. at the same time, sometimes i wonder if we're in this for the right reasons, or if she really feels the way she says, or if i'm just a lack of options...back-up. at the same time, i wonder if i care. its complicated, really. i promised myself in my freshman year that if i wasn't happy, and there wasn't anything to keep me around...that i would leave massachusetts. i promised myself that i wouldn't let my friends be a factor in it, because no matter where you go or what you do, your true friends will always be your friends (like jenni). so unless i find a reason to stay, something or someone that makes me wonder, and look towards the future for...i still may leave. i do my best to not let anyone down, and keep them happy...but maybe its time i stop letting myself down so much. Tell me what you thought about when you were gone And so alone The worst is over You can have the best of me We got older But we're still young We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up