okay. so i've decided to come back to sitdiary, at least for a while. i've been kind of drifting from it for a while because i haven't really needed it. but right now...i guess i could use a friend :/ i'm sorry if anything i say in this entry or future ones upsets or hurts you. i don't want to hurt you. but this is going to be where i bare it all. so if it gets too intense, then just...skim? lol. so...things started caving in on me monday night. nothings been right since. in fact, things just get worse by the day. seriously. monday, lost jordan. tuesday, skipped school because i was too depressed to even get out of bed. wensday...pretty sure ilost (other) jordan. today? got yelled at by teachers. one of the residents that i take care of (who i adored) at the nursing home where i'm doing an internship died. and jordan is now completely avoiding me. when i'd seek her out she'd make lame excuses and such. yeah...i think it's over. ...and now i'm shaking. great. the only thing that can stop the shaking is if i smoke a cigarette. the cigarettes are in my room, my lighter is in my car...did i mention its 5 degrees out? yep. and i can't smoke inside because my parents don't know i smoke. so i'm screwed. ah yes. my mom also knows about my past issues with pill popping. how do i know this, you ask? because today, i went looking for some. and there is NOTHING left anymore. its either extremely well hidden, or my mom got rid of all of them. well, most. i did find the codeine, and some anti-anxiety pills. ...i felt like such an addict today. i was tearing open cabinets, shaking everything to see if it rattled...i needed something, badly. why would she do this to me? doesn't matter. i plan on turning the house upside-down over vacation. after that...i guess i'll go from there. i feel so sick lately. ever since it happened :/ only now, it's worse. i...haven't actually really been able to eat since it all went down. monday night. i've tried a couple times, and pretty much...i can't keep any of it down, with the exception of some spaghetti last night and some cake that amanda made today (which i still feel sick over) i know i need to eat. i know that. and it's not like i haven't tried. i'm not on some stupid hunger strike or anything. food just...turns my stomach. and when i try to eat, it makes me worse, so i have to stop. on the bright side, every time i smoke a cigarette it makes me dizzy and happy, lol. sorry...just trying to find a bright side to things. i should go. its 10:00, and i still have like 4 hours of homework to do. not that i don't have plenty of time...i haven't been able to sleep since then either. dear diary, i have a confession to make: i think i might be falling apart :/ just a little. please don't tell my friends...i don't want them to worry. i don't want them to care. because i honestly don't think there's anything they can do.