I spoke to dan about town tomorrow. Spemnt ages deciding what to do. Mum thought it was Iain calling. Shed got all excited cause she thought hed asked me out. I dont know why this is, but I feel really guilty about, i dunno, just the fact that dan called, that we were laughing... I guess I've always been terrified that one day im going to fall in love with someone who's taken, so im frightened to even touch that person or be near them without anyone else there that i know... Believe me i really dont like him in that way, but i just feel so guilty about it, and i feel even worse because i wish my mum had been right, and it had been iain on the phone 'cause then id be feeling happy and looking forward to tomorrow instead offeeling so damn guilty I'm dreading it... And tomorrow, I'm gonna go to town, and maybe Elodie won't be able to come, and ill just be stuck there with Dan just feeling worse and worse because I'm terrified Im gonna sound like I'm trying to come on to him because I dont know when I sound like I'm flirting and when I'm not, and i dotn want him to think i am when im not, and also the fact that Alivce dosen't know about it and neither does anyone because they're all away just makes me feel guilty, i mean even if i spent the entire thing 10m away from him I'd still feel like i was betraying Alice in some way and i really really wish Iain was coming tomorrow cause then i wouldnt mind, cause even unintentional flirting could be directed at him, and i could relax in the knowledge that i was only there so eagerly 'cause of iain, but now i know he isnt coming and it's only a possibility that Elodie is coming and when i get nervous of excited i just laugh, its the way i cope, even at things that arent funny, but the thing is when a girl laughs at a guys jokes, it sounds like theyre flirting and so im gonna get nervous because im trying not to flirt be accident, and then because im nervous, ill laugh, which will be flirting...its a viscious cycle.... And i miss Iain. I miss talkign to him, and laughign with him, and i'm worried that if he did mean it before, he mighthave thought about it over the holidays and decided he didnt really want that, or i know when i go on holiday i forget about people, and when i come back i dont like them in that way as much as i used to... and maybe he thinks i turned him down, because i didnt say anythign, so hell try and get over me... or maybe he didnt mean it, which is probable then i never had a chance in the first place, so it's pretty hopeless, really, isnt it? So now im sitting here, feeling guilty about something that didnt happen, lovesick about something that stopped happenning months ago, and missing people who arent comign home for weeks... I need amber so much... I need all my friends back so much, It's like they say you dont realise how much you love your friends till theyre gone, and jesus im missing you all now...I hate having no one to call or talk to, or go to town with. My only hope really is Elodie and Alex, both of whom yes i love very much, but how exactly do you talk to them? how do you tell Mr shocked-at-everything or the girl who goes to bed at half eight how it feels ot feel guilty standing eight feet away from your best friends boyfriend, even though you neither want, nor are trying to make anything happen? God i wish amber was here now...i miss you like crazy and i hate staying in all day, every day in this stupid flat because i have nothing to do but wait for my friends to come back, and for everything to return to normal, with everyone here, and me moping about Iain, and Alice and Dan being all soppy, and Abbie trying to find a boyfriend but not wanting anyone to know she is. Im all hyped up ready to start my GCSEs but im terrified im gonna muck it up by forgetting homework or being badly organised again, and i dont wanna be... I would like to little miss concentration and organisation, but Im not and however hard I try, There will always be a part of me that is scatty brained and forgetful and lying and lazy, so i have to work hard to stop that coming through, but working hard is what i've subconciously been avoiding for so long, so i have to work twice as hard, and its just a viscious bloody cycle... I also ask myself whether I will actually be able to start my courses properly, seeing how much work ive already missed, but thinking about that terrifies me, so i wont any more. Which leaves me bak with the prospect of fuck all to do till august the 9th at least, probably the tenth at least because amber might have jetlag, so she wont want me comign an seeing her the day she gets back... not if shes come back from hong kong... I think the reason i feel guilty about dan calling, and us going to town is the fact that its what i wish I could do with Iain, so im scared ill confuse him with Iain and fall for him...