Im trying to compose a waltz for my GCSE composiiton task. I want it to be perfect. I want my mark to be perfect. I know everyone wants an A*, but i really, REALLY want it...more than anything else... and im doing all these compositions thinking, i CAN do better than this, and i keep justifying myself, going, oh well i wasnt trying on that one, i could do better, it's just that i dont want to... but then im thinking, what if i CAN'T do better? what if this is the best i get? Because i know that every time i actually try to do well, i fail even more. Im trying to compsoe this great waltz, but any inspirations i have is being blocked out by alex's waltz, which i am in love with... i dont know that it is about it but it actually gives me butterflies... I have an RS exam in three weeks, and im already petrified. im reading this answer that this 100% girl gave last year, and there are things there id have never thought of to put down, yet she gets the marks... and i want to do well so much, for mum, for me... im trying to juggle schoolwork with going on this stupid health kick, for my party, even though its tiring me out, and i had chips/a sausage roll today and chips a couple of days ago, so all my good work is being undone, by the party im gonna be back to the ugly little shit i was before, no matter what i do, im always going to be old average me... and i hate it... i hate being so average... always the girl fading into the background when abbie and alice are doing their thing with whoever it is they want, always watching other people,all such colourful people, amazing people, and i long to join them, but i cant... i cant because i still have this stupid idea that osmeday, someone will like me because im differrent from the rest... but now im thinking, well, that tactic is obviously working a dream... and why is it, that abbie and alice can just throw themselves at someone and they come running, if i show the slightest bit of interest they just treat me like a game they play when they want their fucking ego boosting...and like some unstoppable moron i play along... because if i didnt id be on my own...