i have written and re written this entry so many times and i still cant find words to say how i feel right now. i feel numb...but its not in a good or bad way....its as if im waiting for something to trigger off some emotion in me...i cant cry yet...i can only sit here and wait for something to happen... like have you ever had that when youre in the house and everyones asleep...and you switch off the tv or turn off the pc, and all you can hear silence pressing on your ears, and its sort of making a sound....like a ringing....i feel like that... i still dont know if you understand...maybe this is what i need...maybe now i KNOW there isnt any chance, ill finally be able to let go....maybe thats why im feeling so numb...maybe im just waiting to let go but i need to get ready for it...i dont know... Ive spent so long on him ive got used to it, like the noise but now im gonna have to turn off the noise and listen to the silence until i can pick up another noise that i want to listen to...and now im making no sense to anyone but me... i also know that this isnt just about iain... i miss everyone aswell... I miss them all os much especially amber... anyway back to the numbness.