Oh this isnt going to be a good week. I knew my exams would go downhill at some point... Maths today was the worst...i just sat there shaking, i couldnt hold the pen, I couldnt think of anything... I think i got about one question right in the whole thing. And all I wanted was to go to the library and cry and see amber and for it to be okay again but she didnt manage to be there and steven was there being jokey which i didnt mind but I had to make myself happy again because i cant cry in front of anyone apart from her... I sat there and looked at the notes benny had given me and i read the same page over and over againa nd nothig went in and i just kept panicking thinking how much worse its gonig to be when i get into the history exam and i dont know anything and ill ahve spent so long panicking about it and itll all be for nothing because i cant learn anything or any facts... they just dont stay in my head unless i force them and i havent got time to force every little fact into my head in the time i have, and i have to learn thses damn lines and miss rehearsal tomorrow when ive already missed one last tuesday and gennie wont be happy and its for this stupid belgrade thing where everyone's so damn competative and wont work together at all unless they think its going toget them something... And now i have to go to amber's to revise but im putting it off because i know i going to ahve to sit there not learning anything and re reading the same page again and again, just waiting until the next half an hour's gone by. And thanks to the stupid hospital, my mum hasnt got her medication until next week, so this week is going to be a hoot. And the best thing that happenned to me in months is slowly turning into a nightmare... And ive got this part that i wanted so much and now i dont think i can play her... im not good enough, ive never had any idea of what a professional productionis like to be in, let alone being the main part and i cant tell whether her criticising everything i do is just what happens because shes directing and she wants it to be perfect or whether shes regretting casting me in the first place... and i was in rock school on friday and i was doing so well, people looked impressed and everything and then today I go and screw it up and dan says it sounded the same both days, so does that mean I only think i did well on friday? Maybe i shouldnt be doing this, im noly setting myself up to screw up... What am i supposed to do? So much more stuff on top of this, everything is so urgent, everything wants to be first priority and I cant do it all at once... all i want to do is sit in the library with the people I trust and have a laugh and never have to worry about all this anymore... I hate being worried... I hate being stressed and down but I cant cope any other way...and i cant even do that any more i have to put on a happy face and say, no, im just tired and havent had such a good day, thats all...