Listening to: sublime- one cup of coffee
What is it that defines someone as a real Montrealer? Now I don't mean someone who simply calls Montreal their home or those transients on their way to something bigger and brighter in a real city later on. I'm talking about someone who lives and breathes the city. People who could never think of leaving or living in any other geographical location in the world.
Is it someone cultured, who loves art? Is it a gourmand who likes having long dinners, but at the same time will wolf down a poutine when the time comes (aka wasted at 3 a.m.)? Is it a romantic who has the ability to flip between several sexy languages on a whim? Or is it someone hard-coded to root for the Habs? Is it a person who's easy going and never in a real rush except to find the next bigger, better party or the stronger, tastier coffee?
According to the gentleman who taxied me from Parc and Villeneuve to a restaurant on lower St-Denis the other night, there is really only one thing that defines someone as a true Montrealer: an absolute dislike for every other Canadian city.
After examining me in his rearview mirror for a moment, he asked, "Are you who you look like?"
The question struck me as strangely existential. I mean, how do I answer that? Well, I think I look like myself, but how can I be sure? Maybe I don't really look like myself tonight. And what does "myself" even mean? I mean, can you really ever truly know yourself? I decided to give him the stock answer: "Well, I'm not Sean Lennon."
He said he recognized me from my column and wanted to agree with me on something I wrote a few months back about how Vancouver was basically like one of those Cherry Blossom chocolates: it looks pretty delicious from the outside, but it's actually pretty weird and yucky when you get down to the core. "But, like any Montrealer," he explained, "I don't really like anywhere else."
I marveled at how true that sentence was. Real Montrealers don't really like any other place. Try it. Find a true-blue Montrealer, and bust out a map of Canada and ask them to talk about all the major cities, west to east. It'll probably go something like this:
Vancouver: Junkie central with horrible mish-mashed architecture.
Calgary: Conservative Hickopolis that thinks the rest of Canada is a waste of stampede grounds.
Edmonton: Brain-dead mall culture.
Regina: Rhymes with vagina.
Winnipeg: aka Winter-peg. Frozen wasteland. Decent art scene but only because there is negative things to do there.
Toronto: Polluted American wannabes who think they're more important than they actually are.
Ottawa: Well, it's just Ottawa.
Then there are all those Maritime cities. Those don't count as real cities do they? They marry fish over there, don't they?
While I can find a grain of truth in each of those sweeping generalization (except maybe the marrying fish thing), I'm not naive enough to think Montreal is without its problems. Sure, there's lots of culture, but the money to support fresh upcoming artists is few and far between. The whole reasonable accommodation debate makes me feel both ashamed and scared, our road conditions are a disaster, and of course our laissez faire attitude is great, unless of course you ever need anything done on time.
Why is it then that Montrealers enjoy raggin' on our fellow Canadian cities? Do we really believe that Montreal is, empirically, a better city than the rest of them? Or is it simply a matter of jealousy? That Toronto and Calgary have lots of money? That Vancouver has gorgeous vistas, with beaches, mountains and lush forests? That Edmonton has a mall where you can ride a rollercoaster? That Regina rhymes with vagina?
Or are we embittered by our long, cold winters and have resorted to warming our hearts with hatred for other, not so icy lands? Could it be that we have some kind of Napoleon complex? Are we the little dog with the big bark? Or are we, like our French forefathers, just really skilled in the art of bitching?
It's tough to say. Perhaps it's a mix of all of the above. I'm not sure why we can't love all our cities equally. After all, there is one thing people across Canada can all agree on:
Toronto blows.
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