i am not disappointed with the way i spent my day, but not exactly pleased. i should have taken advantage of the weather. i'm making plans with sean. and i am happy about that. coffee at eva b's, biodome, and walking around the mountain. he asked me why, besides sara, i do not have any close female friends. and i went on, ranting about how frivolous girls can be. fuck, i don't need to be pressured by their ridiculous expectations. i mean, i do have girl friends and i hang out with them, but it is obvious that i create a wall, and leave the relationship hanging at an acquaintance status. at a certain proximity, i push them away. i don't know why i bothered mentioning this. maybe, because my therapist asked the same question last week, and i am not completely satisfied with my answer. maybe. these days, uncertainty is the prominent feeling. i am often doubtful. i can't tell what my intentions are, or what the emotions that began to surface really mean. i am mostly used to clinging onto an extreme (behavior, reactions), when i find myself in between, i also find myself in a state of confusion. - edit- i remember why i mentioned friends in the first place. i wanted to talk about my new friend at work! he is a seventy-three year old immigrant from poland. and i adore him. he comes in for a half a cup of coffee, half a cup of water and a donut (either, apple, strawberry or raspberry filled) everyday. and whenever he sees me, he lights up and smiles enthusiastically. he always comes around my lunch break, so i've started sitting with him and talking to him. he tells me stories with the same excitement he usually reserves for eating his donut. if i had to choose, i would pick to hang out with this man, over getting trashed with most my friends. he entertains me on a completely different level and at the same time, i learn from all his experiences.